How to Love an Anxious Attachment Style Person

From 5 Reminders If Your Partner Has an Anxious Attachment, and What Helps:

3. Trauma may be behind your partner’s needs.

The Reason

Some causes of an anxious attachment style include an emotionally neglectful parent or inconsistent behavior from close loved ones. When kids especially grow up in that environment, they may never feel fully stable or secure within a relationship. They may fear not being able to expect when you’ll respond positively or negatively, and they may be quick to believe you’ll leave or hate them. These serious emotions and experiences can cause long-lasting turmoil.

What You Can Do

  • Let your partner know you’re there for them if they need to talk about their experiences. If they’d like to talk, listen nonjudgmentally and respond supportively.
  • Research more into how trauma can lead to an attachment style and keep that in mind when you feel frustrated or confused by their behavior.

4. Respond positively to your partner’s attempts to communicate.

The Reason

Speaking up about a concern may be a big deal for your partner, as they may worry you’ll get mad or break up with them. They may hate asking you to do something or saying they need attention out of fear they’ll come across as “needy;” however, they also have to handle their emotions and communicate effectively so your relationship can improve. Hearing them speak up is a positive behavior you want to encourage, so try to respond in a caring and considerate way.

What You Can Do

  • When they start a conversation, be open to joining it actively and supportively. Respect their concerns and realize the intent of your words or actions may not match the impact they experienced.
  • Work together to figure out solutions to challenges you two may experience as individuals or collectively.

From 5 Qualities You Need from A Partner If You’re Anxiously Attached:

2. He calls when I tell him I don’t feel well.

My partner works a very demanding job.

But he never makes me feel like his job comes before me. I know I’m his priority as he always makes time for me, especially when I’m not okay for any reason.

Even if he’s in the office and I tell him that I’m feeling down, he’ll give me a call. If he’s with me, then he will ask me questions to understand my feelings and try to comfort me.

Advice for anyone dating an anxiously attached partner:

  • Don’t dismiss their needs and feelings, ever.
  • If they show any signs of anxiety, proactively ask them questions, or at least make yourself available for when they want to talk. Don’t take their anxious behaviours personally.
  • If possible, give them your undivided attention.

3. He responds to my anxiety with love.

In the past, when I acted anxiously, my exes pulled away.

In my current relationship, when I bring up my anxiety, my partner comes closer to me and becomes extra attentive. More than once he has read my articles about anxiety and asked whether we should do couple therapy so he could understand me and how to handle my anxiety better.

Such responses from him make me feel more confident in our relationship. I understand that my anxiety is no longer my own burden to bear but I have him to shoulder it with me, which makes me much lighter.

Advice for anyone dating an anxiously attached partner:

  • Let them know that you love them for who they are.
  • When they’re anxious, show them even more love and care. Calm them down with your patience and kindness.
  • Remember that your partner is not their anxiety. It’s not about you either. You should handle their anxiety with them as a team.

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