Healing the Anxious Attachment Style

From How to Keep Your Cool When You Have an Anxious Attachment Style:

The good news is that your attachment style isn’t a fixed feature of your personality. You can change from anxious to secure if you work on yourself.

Another good news is, even without changing your attachment style, you can learn to keep (most of) your cool when you’re in love. While the tips below aren’t a recipe to suddenly become securely attached, they can help you rein in your anxiety and make having a romantic relationship a lot less stressful than it usually is for you.

Get a life

Seriously, Get. A. Life.

The relationship you spent half of your workday imagining in your head doesn’t count. That’s not life, that’s an illusion. It’s escapism in its purest, strongest form.

Get more involved with projects that you’re passionate about. Keep in touch with your friends and hang out with them often. Cultivate other meaningful relationships besides your romantic one.

Keep in mind you’re living your life right now, and you’re living it for yourself, not anybody else. Don’t keep your life in a permanent state of suspension just waiting for your loved one to come around.

If you’re anxiously attached, chances are you put your own life on the back burner while waiting for somebody else to figure out theirs. Stop. You were made for more than to sit on the bleachers to cheer somebody else on. You were made to be in the field just as much they were.

This isn’t chess, stop planning 5 moves ahead

Stop imagining so many scenes in your head. Just stop.

Planning and rehearsing for a difficult conversation have their use, but you don’t have to plan every step of everything that’s going to happen between you and the object of your affection.

This is life, not chess. Live in the moment for a change. Make an exercise to be comfortable living one day at a time, not expecting much of what may come next. You two have plans to see each other? Great. Get ready and get over there and see what happens.

Are there no plans? Ask them out. Stop fretting over if they’ll say yes or no, and what happens next. Whatever they say, go from there. Act on whatever their actions are, not on what you think they might be.

Act on their feedback, not on your best hopes and dreams — or worse, on your fears.

From Reforming My Attachment Style:

Hi I’m Jemma, and I’m an Anxious-Avoidant

 

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