We Use Our Romantic Relationships to Try to Heal Our Attachment Style

From How we try to solve childhood wounds through romantic relationships:

Freud would say that our unconscious find people who are of similar makeup to what we are so desperately in need of at that time. Sometimes it’s someone with certain similarities to a parent that even though we may love- has inadvertently wounded us.

Neuroscience would say that our central nervous system and the mirror neurons within our prefrontal cortex have become hardwired and patterned to seek out what was already known. Therefore, our past experiences of whatever has caused us wounds within our body would be biologically driving us to partner with people who had central nervous systems that mirrored the physiological and neurological makeup of those who first wounded us. If one of those central nervous systems, that mirrored our original wounds could offer us love, the wounds of our childhood would consequentially be healed.

Although this sounds simple, straightforward, and sweet, if we follow the impulse of the unconscious or central nervous system, all we will do is have another experience of pain that mirrors the the wounds of our younger selves.

This is why awareness is absolutely essential when we are embarking on the journey of creating a new type of love. This creation requires healing wounds created when we were young.

We all have wounds. Some are just bigger than others. But every human has them.

When we are on this path, it is necessary, to look ruthlessly into our adult romantic relationship dynamics. For when we are honest with ourselves about what we have participated in, we are presented the chance to change. When we are honest with ourselves about what we truly desire, we have the opportunity for that to come into our lives. And when we are honest with our partners and can have open, truthful and sometimes difficult conversations we offer the most authentic version of ourselves.

From  Dealing with dismissive parents:

How to deal with a dismissive or distant parent.

The first step in dealing with a dismissive or emotionally distant parent is to accept this fact and accept the fact that you are the only one who can heal yourself. Emotionally absent parents aren’t fully present — and they never can be. There are effective ways to deal with them, however, and that starts with a little understanding and ends with a lot of acceptance.

1. Be the parent you always deserved.

When we are hurt by our parents, we often go out looking for healing in all the wrong places. We turn to other people, to drugs, to alcohol — all in the search of the love we were denied when we needed it most. The problem with that is that no one else can save us. Only we can save ourselves.

Sometimes, you have to step up and be the parent you always deserved for yourself. This means treating yourself well, checking in how you’re feeling and how you’re doing. Be a mentor for yourself; an advocate for yourself. Do all the things a caring mother or father would do and do it with complete radical abandon.

Find activities that bring you peace and joy and be kind and gentle with yourself and the way you see the world. Work hard to build up that confidence that was wrecked by a dismissive parent and celebrate your strengths and victories every single day.

Write notes to yourself and start a mindful journaling practice that lets you get back in touch with that scared, broken little child that’s hiding deep inside. Learn how to love yourself and the rest of the world will follow. Give yourself a gift that never quits giving and be the parent you always needed.

2. Dig deep. Examine. Forgive.

Having a painful past can make it hard to revisit traumatic times, but it’s an absolute necessity when it comes to facilitating our own healing and joy. Only when we start to look the puzzle pieces of our childhood heartbreaks can get start to piece together a cohesive image of what’s gone wrong and where. Dig deep. Examine the things that happened and the emotions they bring up and then find it in yourself to forgive. You can’t move on until you learn how to forgive.

It’s important to remember that forgiveness is not excusing the actions of the past or pardoning the damage that they’ve done. It’s simply means you’ve given yourself permission to move on and you’ve given yourself permission to let go of the pain and the hurt that’s kept you crippled, scared and lurking in the shadows.

Open yourself up to the reality of your feelings and express your pain in the way that feels most productive for you. Make the decision to forgive and throw yourself into it full heartedly when you’re ready to open up and move on. Shift yourself from the victim mindset to an empowered mindset by accepting that the pain of your mother or father does not define the parameters of your future.

3. Let yourself feel.

Growing up as the child of dismissive parents, we often learn to deal with our feelings by not dealing with them at all. We bury them deep and put them in a place where we think they can never hurt us. The problem with that, however, is that feelings will always out. And they’ll do it in some really destructive ways if you don’t deal with them in the open.

 From When Parent’s Love Converted Into Control:

So what should parents do?

Whenever your child thought and thinking are not match with yours, and you are forcing anything on your child. Ask yourself these three questions.

Time changed — Is your situation and right now the situation is different, the world is changing very fast with a dynamic aspect. In earlier times arrange marriages were the best but in today’s era love marriages are also considered as a good way to choose your life partner, In the future, it may be casual to have a homosexual partner. You have to accept the future condition and situations to match the flow.

Let them face — You can teach them your life experience but they can’t feel it till they don’t face the world. Practical experience will make them a better or polished person, if you hide them in your shelter they will never become confident. Let them explore and if they are stuck at any point give them confidence and share your knowledge with them.

It’s not your dream — In most of the reality shows we have seen contestants saying that it’s my parent’s dream”. All Parents should stop thinking that all dreams which they can’t achieve can be achieved through their children. Please don’t force them, let them help with their dreams

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