Here are some tips to know when it’s not about you and your partner needs you to be there for him/ her and resist the shit storm together:
- You need to zoom out of your conflict and try to see the larger picture. The way I do this in other relationships than in romantic ones is by checking the basics. Is he/she well-fed, slept, safe financially, etc? Does my partner have the basics of what he/she needs to be able to function properly in the context of our relationship or is he/ she irritated from something external from our relationship that I might not even know about and is just projecting that on me? If I practice this exercise in my mind before answering the complaints of my partner, I can see his shouting as a cry for help instead of a blaming engagement. It’s a lot easier to do it and remember these rules when you are not so strongly attached to this person and if the person is someone close but not the closest. I often see how easy it is to navigate this emotional intelligence at work vs at home where I am emotionally involved with the person and my hopes and dreams are so deeply entangled with the other one.
- Make sure you are well connected to your own feelings before you reply to an attack. This part is a lot harder to do than we think. Most of us will just puff at this one saying „oh, how is this not obvious already?!”. In my experience and despite my intellectual self-awareness, most people will not be able to truly get out of their heads and into their emotions for this step. I also hear a lot of people saying „but I am very emotional”. Yet, that does not mean the same thing. My own experience with talking to emotional people was that the moment they try to connect where their emotions are coming from, they cannot distinguish between their ego ( which is usually hurt and needs to be healed to not take over all the time) and their soul which is their essence and had no intention of doing any harm. And sometimes, even the most innocent people have hurt egos that have stronger voices than the soul. That’s when it needs to be worked on. Our human nature is wildly gifted with emotions, but mastering and controlling our feelings is what makes the difference between disciplined minds and untamed ones who live more or less like mammals but call themselves free spirits because they don’t intellectualize their feelings at all. By this point, you know that connecting to your feelings before responding to an attack means checking with your rational brain whether the feelings you have come from ego or soul and make sure you check your intention before responding. That brings me to the next point.
Sometimes the lesson we are supposed to learn is to leave, sometimes it is to stay, but it is always to heal. Only you know what the lesson is that you need to learn, but you do know it. You just need to find stillness and silence to hear your inner wisdom and have the will to follow it. It won’t always be what you want to hear. Notice if you’re asking around for a lot of advice. As author Erica Jong wisely said: “Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t.”
Here are a few ways to identify your spiritual assignment and learn from it.
Prayer is our way of talking to the divine. We can use prayer to ask for guidance on how to live our lives with grace and wisdom. Explain your situation to your higher power and ask for guidance on how to move forward.
We need to create space and stillness to hear our higher selves. We simply can’t hear her in the hustle and bustle of daily activity. If you don’t already have one, start a daily meditation practice. You only need 5–15 minutes to sit quietly and pay attention to your breath.
Get curious and consider:
- What are the issues or fears that this person brings up for me? When have I felt this before (think way back)?
- Does this relationship fit into a pattern? What happened? Why would this time be different?
How to find hope in the wake of a failed relationship.
The ending of a relationship is not a failure. Rather, it’s the opening of a door that reveals new and endless possibility for us. Whether your relationship has already failed, or your partner has just begun to move toward the door — these are the best ways to find hope in the wake of a relationship that’s destined for failure.
1. Write a new story:
When we are in a partnership, we are co-authors who come together to create a new and special journey through our mutual talents. It’s an intricate game, and one that requires us to balance, pace and develop our character at a rate that can be both baffling and strange. The end of a relationship, however? Rather than ending the story, is a chance to start a new volume…this time entirely on our own as the authors of our own unique stories.
Take charge of your destiny and commit to becoming the author of your own story. If you’re looking for hope in the wake of heartbreak, take a step back from everything that’s going on and turn your focus inside. What do you want from your life? What action can you take right now to change it? Draw-up the outline of the future you want to have and get committed to the journey of getting there.
Committing to the authorship of our lives is a powerful commitment and one that can’t be superseded by superficial ideals of romantic love, or even the insecurities that plague us. When we take charge of our lives, we take responsibility for our own happiness, which can further empower us to understand that true joy and validation come from within…not from without. Write a new story for yourself and know that the things that you want from your life and your partner are valid and worthy of achieving to the highest degree.