Reparenting and self parenting to my mind are the same thing. We learn over the self-discovery of healing our childhood trauma that we were frozen in time emotionally. By spending time giving love, compassion and acceptance to our inner child, we slowly emerge with a deeper connection to our complete world of feelings.
“The reparenting process has forced me to clarify my “why” in so many aspects of my life. It’s been a refreshing process of getting to know myself and learning to trust myself.
I’m getting better at establishing clear boundaries for myself, within myself, and learning how to maintain the discipline to hold those boundaries.
Through reparenting, I’m learning to be easier on myself. Push myself to do things that I don’t necessarily want to do, but that I know will be good for me. Change my way of thinking from, “I HAVE to do this” to “This could be a great opportunity for me to grow and try something new.”
From How to Reparent Yourself:
“We can start reparenting ourselves by identifying what we need. What didn’t you learn in childhood? Which of your emotional needs weren’t met? Sometimes the answers to these questions are obvious and sometimes we don’t know what we don’t know. Also, it’s common to uncover additional deficits as you begin to reparent yourself and learn more about emotional health and relationships.
We can start reparenting ourselves by identifying what we need. What didn’t you learn in childhood? Which of your emotional needs weren’t met? Sometimes the answers to these questions are obvious and sometimes we don’t know what we don’t know. Also, it’s common to uncover additional deficits as you begin to reparent yourself and learn more about emotional health and relationships.
- Communication skills: The ability to express yourself clearly and effectively. The ability to resolve conflicts. Being assertive rather than passive or aggressive.
- Self-care: The ability to identify your needs and meet them. Feeling deserving of care and comfort and the belief that your needs matter.
- Awareness and acceptance of your feelings: Being able to identify a wide range of feelings and to see the value in your feelings.
- Emotional regulation and self-soothing: The ability to manage your emotions – to calm and comfort yourself when you’re distressed, to respond rather than overreact or underreact to emotional situations, to tolerate unpleasant emotions, and use healthy coping skills.
- Self-validation: Affirming your feelings and choices; reassuring yourself that your feelings matter, that you matter, and that you’ve done your best.
- Boundaries and healthy relationships: Seeking and creating relationships based on mutual respect and trust. Voicing your expectations and needs. Caring for others and letting others care for you. Being emotionally and physically vulnerable/intimate with safe people. Recognizing unhealthy relationships and ending them. Enjoying time alone and not needing someone else to make you happy or whole.
- Self-discipline or setting limits for yourself: Limiting unhealthy activities and creating healthy habits (such as going to bed on time, limiting how much you drink or play video games).
- Accountability: You take responsibility for your actions. You apologize and/or make amends when you’ve harmed another. You learn from your mistakes. You encourage yourself to follow through on your commitments and goals. And you do all of this with compassion and understanding for yourself, not harsh criticism or self-punishment.
- Self-compassion and self-love: Treating yourself with loving-kindness – especially when you’re having a hard time or made a mistake. Doing nice things for yourself. Saying kind, supportive, and uplifting things to yourself. Noticing your good qualities, progress, effort, and accomplishments and feeling proud of yourself. Generally, liking who you are and knowing you have value.
- Resiliency: The ability to overcome setbacks, to persist, and to believe in yourself.
- Frustration tolerance: The ability to accept that you don’t always get what you want and things don’t always go your way; being able to handle such experiences with grace and maturity (not throw a tantrum like a toddler).”
“Making the decision to reparent yourself doesn’t mean your caregivers weren’t wonderful people who loved you desperately. It’s not an excuse to blame anyone. But it does allow us to teach ourselves the valuable lessons we may have missed as a child.
Ultimately, it’s a valuable tool for a happier life.
Reparenting is not for the fainthearted: it requires us to reflect on the patterns and behaviours of a lifetime and be honest about whether they’re really working for us. And yet, if we want to live a more peaceful life and wind up with fewer regrets, reparenting is absolutely worth it.”