If You Grew Up in a Troubled Family, You Either Became a Codependent or a Narcissist.

“When the family energy is focused on the problem of the adult rather than on the needs of the children, the results for the children are the state of not knowing they come first, the state of believing that they have to fix the situation, and the state of believing that life is about surviving instead of enjoying and that the meaning of life is to get through the struggle of life.” Cathleen Brooks

From “Breaking the Cycle of Conditional Love“:

A child that is shown conditional love grows up and attracts partners that treats them the same way. It is the Law of Attraction. We attract what we need to heal in ourselves. Until it is healed our vibe brings that to us. That is how narcissists find us, our vibe. We need unconditional love and they are experts at showing conditional love. Perfect match.”

From “Letting Go of Toxicity“:

“Letting go of toxic people and toxic relationships is hard because of what is known as a trauma bond. Humans crave connection with other humans. A trauma bond is the type of bond that forms when people go through something traumatic together or share a similar traumatic experience (not together). Codependents and empaths often trauma bond with their partners, usually partners that are codependents, narcissists, or addicts.

The most dangerous part of a trauma bond is that it doesn’t go away when the relationship ends. Trauma bonds usually transfer to the next relationship because codependency is a way of relating to people. Until you address the underlying wounds that led to the codependent behavior, you will continue to trauma bond and attract partners that will prey on those unhealthy relational styles. Like we discussed last week, BREAK FREE FROM THAT PATTERN!

Let go of those people that didn’t belong in your life in the first place. Don’t chase them. Don’t pay them attention. Know your worth and accept nothing less than someone honoring that. Chase your goals and return to a place of high vibrations so you can attract others wanting the same.”

From “Trauma Bonds that are developed in a narcissistic relationship“:

Hormones being released into the body help form the addiction.  High levels of cortisol a stress hormone is released into the body when the affection ends and then dopamine is released when affection is returned.  Seeking to regain the high the victim will try to win back the affection of their abuser.  People become addicted to the cycles of the chaos and drama which creates a bonding effect.  If this type of bonding occurred during childhood, you may find that these people choose partners as a adults that mirror the environments they had growing up.  If drama is absent both parties can feel unloved as they have been conditioned from an early age to believe this is how real love feels.  The mind will believe you love this person once bonded however, it is actually an addiction caused by the chemical process within the body.

People must be able to heal the trauma bond in order to completely move on from the toxic relationship.  This bond can keep a person stuck in a cycle as the conditioning is so strong that it is confused with feeling like love.  This can happen in any type of relationship and confusing for the person entangled and the supporters of the victims. Trauma bonds are hard to break.  It keeps people in relationships that are toxic even if they understand they should leave.”

7 comments

  1. My father, an extroverted, violent alcoholic narcissist was far more insidious with his conditioned love

    On Thursdays mom would fix Lima beans

    I would puke them every week, and dad would beat me til he got tired with a special paddle designed with holes drilled in it.

    He could hit me harder and hurt me more

    This was fir shits and giggles

    My dad was letting me know he owned me

    He did not need a reason the beat me

    Conditioned love for me was not getting beat or criticized if I performed well

    There were no rewards, no kindness

    I learned to be silent as a kid

    Later in life when I improved

    My therapist I formed me I was an extrovert

    My father had suppressed my natural personality snd I lived as an introvert fit damn near 60 years

    Conditioned love for me was at the edge of the spectrum

    My most valuable skill was reading my fathers nervous system

    Vein v extremely sensitive to his moods and try to navigate around harm

    I stayed away from him and that house as much as possible

    I would shoot hoops at a neighbors in 20 degree weather till they would send me home

    I must of practiced a lot

    I am in three hall of games
    College
    City snd high school

    I achieved trophies and things

    Wellbeing never was part of those trophies or self worth

    Liked by 1 person

    • I read your blog so I know you have used your pain to help heal the world. Changing the hate to indifference toward your tormentor takes a lifetime. I was fortunate that my parents entered a kind of recovery 5 years after I did. But they didn’t give up the lie that if I had just shut up when expressing my opinion that the beatings would have stopped. There would have been another reason if I had stayed silent. They were jealous of my confidence.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Marty, Thanks for being brave enough to tell your story. I can relate but with my father, it was sexual abuse. My mother pretended she didn’t know. I will spend my lifetime healing but I don’t mind because I don’t want it to take up constant space in my head. Thank God I had several good therapists over the years.

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  3. I sometimes wonder how many instances there are wherein immense long-term suffering by children of dysfunctional rearing might have been prevented had the parent(s) received some crucial parenting instruction by way of mandatory high school curriculum.

    If we’re to proactively avoid the eventual dreadingly invasive conventional reactive means of intervention due to dysfunctional familial situations as a result of flawed rearing—that of the government forced removal of children from the latter environment—we then should be willing to try an unconventional means of proactively preventing future dysfunctional family situations: Teach our young people the science of how a child’s mind develops and therefor its susceptibilities to flawed parenting.

    Many people, including child development academics, would say that we owe our future generations of children this much, especially considering the very troubled world into which they never asked to enter.

    [Frank Sterle Jr.]

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    • I totally agree. So much time wasted to pass tests. Having been a teacher, I know how easy it is to be a lazy teacher. So the tests at least set a more level playing field. One of the jobs was as special ed teacher and I had the privilege to design my own curriculum. So we did tax forms, drivers’ license rules, budget, cooking and reading recipes, etc. I loved that year. Husband was transferred so I had to leave. some critical thinking wouldn’t hurt plus a life course about filling out forms, resumes, etc.
      I am so looking forward to a new Education secretay. DeVos last week advised her people to continue to be part of the resistance. The poor kids. As Paul Simon sang, “when I look back at all I learned in high school, it’s a wonder I can think at all.”

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