“Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership. Knowing what I am to own and take responsibility for gives me freedom. Taking responsibility for my life opens up many different options. Boundaries help us keep the good in and the bad out. Setting boundaries inevitably involves taking responsibility for your choices. You are the one who makes them. You are the one who must live with their consequences. And you are the one who may be keeping yourself from making the choices you could be happy with. We must own our own thoughts and clarify distorted thinking.”
“The hard part has been realizing that setting healthy boundaries comes with the added practice in learning to let go of the outcomes. And that includes being okay with imperfect, abrupt endings. Being okay with people not liking the boundary. Being okay with me not being liked for setting it. I’ve seen this to be especially true during phases when I’ve experienced rapid, constant, visible change. There have invariably been people who have been jarred by it, some people who suddenly no longer fit, some people with whom I feel the need for new boundaries, some with whom I have want to change up the boundaries. All of this is not going to uniformly go down well across the board, with everyone alike.
I’m learning that part of being better with healthy boundaries is to also get better at letting go of the need to please, and to that extent control the way the other feels about my boundaries. To be accountable only for my actions and emotions, and leave the outcome, the responsibility of the reactions and responses to the other. And I’m trying to be unhurried about learning this.”
From Vrunda Chauk: “Boundaries“:
Not everyone is worth your time and energy. You need to be selective. That’s for yourself and your well being. To protect your energy.
Think of it like this…
There is a door on the ground. It’s a door to your heart.
It is open. Everyone gets to come in and enjoy the warm sunshine inside.
But suddenly it starts getting crowded. So many people wanting to go in and enjoy the sunshine.
Even you don’t feel comfortable being with so many people. They all have different choices, opinions and they drain you. You feel exhausted.
So you take the door and put it on the top of the mountain.
Now, the people who take the effort to climb the mountain for you, get access to that sunshine in your heart.
They need to prove that they are willing to take care of you and let you in their sunlight as well. They need to show they are willing to take efforts as well.
That’s how you protect your energy.
That’s how you become selective at times whom you choose to help and how much you choose to offer.
It might seem hard, like you’re being mean or something.
But trust me when I say, setting boundaries has helped me a lot. It has saved my time and energy to a great extent. I’d like to encourage you all to set healthy boundaries.
The truth is, you can’t control how everyone relates to you; nevertheless, it is possible to set boundaries amongst the people closest to you. In fact, it is essential if you want your relationships to flourish. A good relationship does not just happen because you desire one; a lot of work goes into having one. You will have to be open to difficult conversations, a lot of compromises and adaptation.
In all my current relationships, I try to make my expectations known to the other party, and I expect the same from them. Another thing that has helped my relationships is setting boundaries. I no longer get angry over things that I can talk about and establish a solution. Boundary setting has helped me let go of toxic feelings like resentment and hatred.
Boundary setting has not been a walk in the park for me; I have had to make extreme decisions like ending a few relationships. Some people want you to accept their inappropriate behaviour by all means, and that is why when you try to teach them what you permit and what you don’t, they begin to act up.
Thank you for sharing and for these important lessons about boundaries. This is a great reminder for me to read some of Henry Cloud’s work again.
Loved reading your post!
Thank you. I consider boundaries and detachment the 2 best practices to get our codependency in check.
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These are good truths. Setting boundaries takes practice and it can be rocky at first. A loving mentor of mine often says, “I’m not for everyone”. I love that statement and find it helpful in this process. We just aren’t and people cant always appreciate our boundaries.
Thank you. I will use that.
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