“I learned again and again in my life, until you get your own act together, you’re not ready for Big Love. What you’re ready for is one of those codependent relationships where you desperately need a partner.”
Many codependents feel lost after a relationship ends and are very likely to jump into another fairly quickly. As they tend to attract a certain type of partner (emotionally distant, abusive), one would have to speculate that hardly any processing has been done, meaning the baggage from the previous relationship is taken into a new venture. For a codependent, it mirrors their template brought into adulthood from interaction with primary caregivers.
Codependency, while not being officially recognized as a disorder, is clearly a massive problem. It carries no obvious symptoms when looked at from a medical basis and at best can be classed as a behavioral problem. I have advocated many times in posts that developmental trauma and parenting styles play a major role in the development of codependency. We are seeing the results today of generations of a family structure of an aloof, distant breadwinner type father coupled with a homemaker, overwhelmed mother, seen often in decades past. This is without factoring in alcoholism and breakups between the parents. Another factor that I believe has lead to the current situation is the lack of understanding our parents and grandparents had of how a child develops and how a parenting style needs to change as this happens. A “one style fits all” authoritarian household is likely to have been present in most of these cases.
After the end of one relationship, be it with a narcissist or a regular individual, it is imperative to take a long break from the dating world and acknowledge what needs to be changed.
We, human beings, need connections the most, but I am an active advocate that we also lose amazing partners because of familiarity with toxic blindness.
Toxic blindness happens when your brain sends you signals that your partner is boring because of the absence of the trigger for the emotional roller coaster that is required to feel the familiar passion.
“Familiar passion” is the reason why many men and women dump good partners. The ambivalent love they experienced in their childhood through their parents programmed their brain to recognize consistency, kindness, and compassion from a prospective partner as a turn-off. Because the thrill of the chase in this dynamic is absent, which in reality erodes real connections to happen, they will seek out more familiar targets even if they remain single forever.
I would like you to understand that everything has a contribution to how we perceive love, even our hormones. And talking about hormones, the honeymoon phase for emotionally unavailable individuals are way shorter than for the rest of the population. Their propendency to addiction leads them to believe once the honeymoon phase wears off, they don’t love their partner anymore and so they have to replace the person.
Being single can be lonely sometimes but I’d definitely pick being single than being with the wrong person. You can definitely enjoy being single but will you enjoy being with the wrong person?
You’re definitely lucky being single, some people are stuck in a toxic relationship they can’t get out of and are craving to be single and away from the person. As you’re craving for a relationship, someone else is craving to get out of theirs.
THINGS TO BE GRATEFUL FOR AS YOU’RE SINGLE: MORE.