“If, as babies and infants, our relationship with our mother (or other primary carers) was impoverished, misattuned and lacking in security and our mother/primary carer was insufficiently attuned to our basic needs and could not be relied upon to comfort us during periods of distress then, as a form of psychological defence, we may develop, according to psychoanalytic theory, a fantasy bond with her (i.e. with our mother or primary carer).
What Is A Fantasy Bond?
A fantasy bond between the child and mother/primary carer is an imagined connection (between the child and mother/primary caretaker) that the child formulates in his/her mind and which serves to compensate for the mental distress caused by the mother’s/primary carer’s inadequate nurturing of him/her (i.e. the child) and failure to provide him/her with sufficient love and care. In short, then, the fantasy bond is an illusion the young child creates in his/her imagination in order to provide him/herself with a sense of comfort and safety Indeed, according to Silverman, this illusion, created in the mind of the very young child, is a very effective defense mechanism against psychological distress due to young child’s powerful imaginative abilities.”
From Trauma Needs:
“Van Der Kolk says, “If a mother cannot meet her baby’s impulses and needs, ‘the baby learns to become the mother’s idea of what the baby is.’” This means that child learns to discount its own inner sensations and tries to adjust to the caregiver’s needs, thus perceiving there is something wrong with the way it is. This lack of physical awareness leaves the child vulnerable to shutting down and disassociating with the feedback from their own bodies and are unable to get in touch with pleasure, purpose or direction.”
“Have you ever said or heard people say “when I have my kids I wouldn’t do that”. Whether or not we like to admit it, our parents have a significant impact on the way we carry out certain behaviors, the way we deal with hurt we receive from others in our everyday lives and relationships we develop with other outside of our families. Childhood trauma includes but not limited to emotional abuse, physical abuse, neglect, or verbal abuse. Childhood trauma is often a topic people prefer to avoid, thus resulting in a suppression of the issue overtime. When people choose not to focus on properly healing from the things they faced in childhood – through mediums such as therapy and counseling, they tend to carry out their personal childhood into relationships and adulthood and subconsciously carry out their trauma into the parenting of their own children.”