Codependency/PTSD/relationships is my new research study. Although I thought I have been applying what I have learned about codependency, imagine my surprise and pain when my active drinking alcoholic husband left me in 2009 and I had to admit that I had recreated my childhood home. And I was the good, perfect wife. Right!!
So I took a another 5th step and freed myself of the bondage of guilt and shame finally. Never too late to have a happy childhood.
I am listing some of the codependency links I’ve found. I like to include a sample from the links I share so that the reader can get a feel for the material.
1. From allaboutcounseling.com a great section about codependency answers the following questions:
- What is codependency? What’s the definition?
- How do I know if I’m codependent?
- Isn’t everyone codependent?
- Why do we become codependent? What causes it?
- Melody Beattie writes that codependency is unique in that recovery can be fun and liberating. What does she mean?
- How can counseling help?
“Understand signs of codependency. There are many signs and most of them are related to boundaries. Like boundaries with personal “physical” space (ie. standing too close to someone in an elevator) people in codependent relationships interfere with others by invading emotional space. When you realize you feel uncomfortable when asked for help, a person close to you is always needing help and you are the main provider for comfort or any other support, or feeling pulled in many directions by the people closest to you.”
3. From The 12-Step Buddha: “Codependent Once More“:
“Codependency may appear at first glance to be limited to dealing with addicts who are still active in addiction. But what happens when we deal with those in recovery? My own experience is that while more subtle, the dynamics of codependency can still operate in sobriety. In my 15th year of recovery, I am prone to be codependent. It looks different than having an active drunk in the house or on the job. But the dynamics can still come up, causing much pain.”
“For me, it was hard to admit. It took years and a lot of suffering to see it in myself. Tysa, my soulmate and life partner, has two alcoholic parents, as well as myself to contend with. After several years of Alanon retreats, Adult Children of Alcoholics and CODA step study groups, she’s developed a pretty keen insight into the dynamics of codependency. Enough, in fact, to point it out in me! I’d complain about the behavior of others, whether is was another emotional disappointment within the 12-Step community (and there have been so many I could never count them all) or a sponsee who refused to work their steps-she would look at me and say, “You’re being pretty co right now.” For the longest time I could not for the life of me figure out how she could say that.”
“Much of my time is spent in service to people in recovery, though in non-traditional ways. Whether it’s teaching yoga or meditation, making coffee, writing books and blogs or answering phones, my time is oriented towards healing others. My boundaries are pretty good. But sometimes it’s easy to get caught up in the behavior of other addicts. When that happens, I usually joke that “I’m not co, I’m just concerned.” But I can get as sick as anybody else when you get right down to it. The way it looks for me is that I get fixated on the way others are acting and lose focus on who I am because I base my self-worth on the actions of others. As you can see from the red-flag list above, one of the tendencies of being co is basing our self-worth on the actions of others. I spend a lot of time around people in recovery as the person in a helping role. Sometimes my energy is low or I’m having an off day. That makes me vulnerable to feeling that the feelings of others are my own. Old tapes, such as self-loathing, start spinning in my head. Before you know it, I feel depressed, angry or upset in some other way. Without strong boundaries and some insight into the mechanics of codependency, time spent around addicts can create a seemingly endless loop of suffering. It’s really hard to quiet the sound of our old tapes when those around us are playing theirs through loudspeakers.”