For those of us who have chosen to give up our addictions life can add a painful irony of having to live with a loved one’s choice to not give up his/her addiction. That irony is especially painful when the loved one is a son or daughter or a parent or a parent’s life partner. Although love sometimes means drawing the painful boundary to not include them in one’s daily life, they are part of one’s daily reality.
1. From The Addict in My House: “Harsh Reality“:
It hasn’t slowed down since my Mom and B got back. Rather than going into all the details I will just say that I am doing my best to not hold resentment towards either of them. They are both sick and although my Mom has always controlled Blake and me for that matter I must take the responsibility that I allowed it. I am trying to deal with it the best I can. If she wouldn’t listen to me when she was healthy why would it change now? She has always done things as if he was her child and it has become painfully clear it will continue and get worse.
I am trying to implement in my own life what I am learning in school and an organization that I recently became involved with. I can’t stress enough that as crazy as it may seem starting school 4 months ago was a great decision for me. I have grown so much in addition to sitting in class with recovering addicts is maybe exactly what I needed. Reading these books and doing these essay’s and quizzes has dramatically helped me grow. When I start getting sad I remember these 4 words that are said over and over again in class…’IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU!” We are reminded to work on our own stuff and clean up our own mess.I am working on myself and not trying to fix B. I have been able to have a lot of good days regardless of his addiction. I am able to stay somewhat sane even though my Mom has been pulling a lot of things and keeps me extremely busy. The things those two do are ridiculous. I am so tired of trying to explain to her how much she is hurting him and then getting yelled at for it or being accused of “hating” my son. No matter what I am the bad person.
I do my best to take care of her and mind my own business as she puts it, but when it is right in front of me it is not always easy. It is wrong to be put in this position he is MY son. It is much harder with her living with me. At least before she could lie to me and I didn’t know she was….most of the time. B continues to spiral down and when I think it can’t get worse it does. My Mom is right there with him and it is frustrating that she chooses to be a part of the problem not the solution. That probably sounds harsh considering she has Dementia but she has always done this and always, always behind my back…..it’s just worse now.
Regardless of what he does with my Mom which is often prompted by her he is respecting our home…..well our side of the home. I know he is pretty much high all of the time now. There is no trying anymore to quit and there hasn’t been for a long time. But I talk to him a lot and I text him a lot. No matter what he does I want my son to know how much I love him. I think we have a decent relationship and a loving relationship despite his addiction. We have set boundaries that we have been able to stick with.
I can’t change my Mom and I can’t change B. I can wake up each day and remind myself of all the blessings I have in my life. Regardless of how my Mom behaves (which often she is awesome) I can be happy. I am grateful she is living here and I can keep an eye on her. Regardless of B’s addiction I often see that sweet boy hidden between the mask of addiction.
I do feel on a daily basis I get slapped it in the face by “harsh reality” and I keep moving right along.
My best friend in real life said yesterday, “You have done everything imaginable to NOT get to this place…but here you are.” Very true. All of my efforts, all of my trying, spinning, my best thinking, and I have not been able to prevent this outcome.I still have not had a good cry, but I feel like my heart is breaking. My girl has been out for about 8 weeks now, with no real place to stay, and has refused numerous offers of help, so now we step back until she decides she has had enough. Her car broke and is unfixable…. that has been a huge blow to me. I realized that that ramshackle car gave me an illusion of safety. She could lock herself inside, she could get away, she could sleep in it if need be….but my faith can’t be in fallible, breakable, machinery. I have to believe that God has her and that together they are walking her path. She is never alone.
So what am I doing to survive?
1. I keep repeating that as likely as it is that disaster could strike at any minute, it is just as likely that we could be standing on the cusp of a miracle!
2. My blogger friend Hattie over at Praying for Henry told me to change my focus. She said it like, “Quick, change your focus! Look somewhere else!” lol What else am I supposed to be doing? For myself? Eating healthy, exercising, meditating, praying, seeing friends, resting, hiking…..
3. I am thinking of a friends words…..”Its just for today” and “the purest form of love is acceptance.”
4. I wait for the question…I have stopped trying to figure out solutions…..well, for this moment. I am sure I will circle back around to that craziness for a minute here and there, but for right now, I can acknowledge that I am not the answer for my girl.
5. I went to adoration and plan on going back as a gift to myself…..time spent at the feet of my kind, loving and accepting and patient God. It blesses my soul to be able to spend that time in silence, praying, and meditating and giving thanks for the many blessings that I have in my life.
6. I choose to not wallow in self pity. I choose to speak kindly and patiently, to not take offense, to acknowledge that we all are feeling fragile and tired here at home right now… and what a gift for all of us to have the freedom to figure out our own path of letting her go individually, but to be close by and loved by each other as we find our way.
7. I believe that God see’s her. She is not lost to His sight ever. She is not alone. He is patiently waiting for her to respond to His outstretched hand.
Please be praying…and know that I pray for your kids too.