“In our lives we are faced with a set of core issues that resurface again and again in different settings/ with different people, at different times.  These issues involve our relation­ship with the world, with ourselves, with our Higher Power. These are our life lessons.

Stephanie Covington and Liana Beckett

1.  Jane Dough:  “betrayal & honesty”:

“Many texts on sex addiction & codependency espouse that sex addicts have relationships to get sex and codependents have sex to get relationships. It’s just been lately that I’ve been able to identify with that.”

“In each scenario, someone is (a) giving something they don’t want to give (b) in an inarticulated bargain (c) for something outside of themselves (d) that they think will make them happy/whole/complete. Men (most often strong on the addict side) and women (most often strong on the codependent side) may have different things they unhappily give away/ attempt to covertly acquire, but the SYSTEM is the same.”

“Example 1: This is in direct contrast to, for example, purchasing a Pepsi at a convenience store. The price tag says $1. The exchange is clear & direct. I don’t just stick $1 in the tip cup, silently hoping I’ll be handed a Pepsi and then grumble if I’m not. I also don’t pressure the cashier to toss in a candy bar for free. Likewise, the clerk doesn’t then jack up the price once I’m holding the beverage in my hot little hand. It is an honest transaction.”

“Example 2: That dysfunctional, unclear, expectation-filled system is also markedly contrasted by 2 friends seeing a show together that they both want to see, with someone they like to do that activity with, in a price range they can afford, at a time & location that is convenient, and in a relationship which has no unspoken grudges. (*Poof* goes the resentment factor, “bye-bye” drama triangle.)”

“I’m learning to practice newer, stricter, deeper levels of emotional honesty. This is directly linked with an increased ability to create safety. That is an outgrowth of crediting and prioritizing the messages of my gut/intuition. None of which can happen without some sense that “I am OK” and “Having needs is OK.”

“It’s a subtle change that revolutionizes everything: like a few drops of very hot sauce altering the entire dish.”

2.   From Woman Anonymous7: “How Far I’ve Come”:

“Last night I was looking at some phrases I’ve kept on a piece of paper beside the bed to remind me about what I’ve learned from discovering Husband’s sex addiction.”

1. I can find peace and freedom in surrender and gratitude
2. I’m powerless. Just admit it and surrender (over and over and over again)
3. One day at a time.
4. My most important relationship is with my higher power, which I am an expression of
5. My most important actions are to use my life and my abilities to be of service as an expression of love, compassion and non-duality, and to celebrate everything I have.
6. If I listen for it I will always hear the voice of higher power.
7. Pain, fear and all kinds of adversity are opportunity. I can allow both the good and the bad to be gifts.
8. What am I resisting?
9. I can always choose the most empowering context.
10. Surrendering to the moment at hand is usually the most powerful response.
11. Have fun!
12. If I forget all of this, remembering is the next part of my journey

“As I looked at that list, I realized how much of this has become who I am. I don’t need this piece of paper as much as I used to, because much of what I’ve learned has become fundamentally integrated into my approach to the world.”

“It made me happy to realize that I’ve really grown and changed in some very potent ways.”

“I’m proud of myself, because it wasn’t an easy road, and it could have gone many different ways.”

Some good links about sexual addiction:

3.  Sexual Addiction–Breaking It Down offers Christ-centered support for men and women seeking recovery from lust and compulsive sexual behaviors.

4.  The five common traits of sex addicts: unloved–untouchable–dissatisfied–self-deception– and secretive from Barb Rogers’s Sex Addiction: Explanation or Excuse? 5 Common Traits

5.  Sexual Recovery Institute Blog

6.  From The New York Times: When Your Partner is a Sex Addict