When I feel that God hasn’t answered my prayers and/or desires, I know that I may just not be ready for the answers at this time. So I have a list of other things to do to get out of His Way and/or to spend the waiting time in peace.
Having faith in God has rarely been a problem for these 36+ years that I’ve been surrendering myself on a daily basis. Even the two years that I suffered from clinical depression, I never once felt that God was punishing me or had deserted me. I knew that I just had to be patient and continue to surrender.
Do I believe that God waited two years to tell me that I needed to see a psychiatrist? No, I believe He answers prayer immediately. But I was 10 years sober from alcohol and had learned in AA that drugs were a crutch. Eventually I did go to the doctor. (Actually I worked in a psychiatric hospital as a marketing specialist, so I told one of the doctors there that I needed to see him ASAP).
The waiting for the answer is the hardest teaching of the dedicated spiritual journey. I know that the waiting is like being a trapeze artist. When I let go of one bar and before I catch the next bar, there is a void. That void is where I am when I am waiting. During this time, I practice removing myself from fear and anxiety.
Having faith in myself to hear the answers has been a slow lesson to learn. I tend to forget that He created me in His image. I also have a battle sometimes to accept that I deserve all of God’s blessings.
Being the oldest child in a home dominated by alcoholism, I learned to not ask for anything and, worse, I taught myself to not expect much. I have shut out so many of God’s blessings by thinking I didn’t deserve them. I started working at 12 making potholders for sale and did a lot of business. Then through high school, I worked every evening in a drug store. Working hard made me feel better about myself. I believe that these experiences made me stronger. The biggest problem for children in this type of home situation is the shame of feeling as if the home situation is only happening to him/her.