Last night’s Journal:
It was such a hard day, and it was me that made it hard. I walked away from myself. I refused to even look at any of the tools I could have used to move out of the darkness.
I wallowed in it.
The longer I let it go, the uglier it seemed. Distraction became more and more difficult and more and more necessary. There was no way to look at what I needed – even basic needs like rest, exercise and food. Looking even at that shallow depth forced me to notice how sick I was of myself. I didn’t want to see what I was doing to myself.
Now, as I know I can’t put it off any longer, I have to try to look within, to connect. I have to. The temptation to take two or three xanax and wash it all away for the night, is strong. I couldn’t continue this hiding, this self-abandonment, without some kind of outside help, and that bottle of little white pills is only a few steps away. It would be so easy… so much easier that facing the night head on… but it would only make this worse, tomorrow.
I can’t go through another day like this. I can’t let this turn into a week in that dark pit. I never want to go back there again and I’ve been falling into it all day.
The only way out is to look at it, but I’m so afraid to truly connect with myself, much less God.
“Go to the Source.”
I know. I know that, but I am so afraid…
No, that’s a lie. This isn’t fear. It’s pure shame, or maybe the fear of seeing the shame.
Yes – that’s what I don’t want to face – the shame of who I allowed myself to be, today.
Shame feels like a boulder roped around my neck. It holds me in place, keeping me from moving forward or even looking up.
So, with my head hanging down, I contemplate the choice of trying to drag myself forward with this self-imposed burden, or giving in to ignoring it for a while longer. I always have a choice. I hate that I spent all day making the wrong one. I feel so angry with myself, so disappointed in myself. I don’t want to face it.
How far are you going to push this? How long are you going to allow yourself to be in this place that you never need to go to?
2. From Broken Brain—Brilliant Mind: “Back to Basic Breath”:
“I’ve been thinking back on the past few weeks, and all the upheaval that’s been going on. There have been a lot of money problems in my house, and it’s a real problem that’s been spiraling out of control – way past where I’m comfortable. I can’t keep on like this – something has got to give.”
“I feel like I’ve been making some good progress, lately, figuring things out, cutting myself a break, and so forth. But then the flashpoints come, and I feel like I’m back at Square One all over again. And just when I think I’m doing so well… It’s demoralizing, and I don’t care for the experience at all. I know I can do better. I need to do better.”
“So, I sat myself down last night and had a good think, and I pulled together a lot of the things I have learned (and a number of things I already knew) and renewed my resolve to use them all together to get myself of the funk I have fallen into.’
“What I came up with is an even stronger belief in a realization I had some time back — it’s that a lot (and I mean A LOT) of my state of mind is related to how I’m feeling physically. And the times when I am feeling most “down” on myself, mentally and emotionally, are often when I am feeling bad physically — and in my head, I interpret those feelings as mental or emotional. And I get into thinking that there’s something wrong with me, with my spirit, with my essential self.”
“Here’s an example, to help clarify — I sometimes have panic attacks. I didn’t realize it till within the past couple of years, but it’s been going on for a long time. I get “jammed up” … I get wired … and more and more adrenaline rushes through me, until I eventually melt down and feel like I’m falling into a black pit of helpless despair. It feels awful, and when it starts, it doesn’t feel like there’s anything I can do to stop my fall. After the “fall,” I feel sick on my stomach, exhausted, foggy – just wiped out. I need to sleep, but I’m so turned around and turned upside-down that I can’t relax, and I fall even farther into what feels like an emotional crevasse — a yawning, endless crack in the ice field of my life that I have slipped into… again.”
3. From the author writing at Through an Al-Anon Filter: “Recognizing Our Own Patterns of Behavior”:
“I had to be willing to say to that prideful self, that angry fearful self – “Enough. I’ve had enough of you being in control here – I want something different.” I thought that humility was humiliation, and that it was kind of nutty to be always wanting to be more humble. But the more I work this program, the more willing I am to be wrong, to be mistaken, to accept that I have screwed up one more time, and I’ve been “deceiving myself with evasions” – when I see that again, and am willing to accept it, make an amend, and work to free myself of that pride, that lack of humility, my daily life, each chance I am offered to become more loving, and to share that love with others, it’s impossible to describe the feeling – we have to take it on trust, when we’re new, because we can’t picture it at all.”
“I started out in Al-Anon, believing that I hated people – truly, I feared them, and my pride was propping up that shaky fearful self in an attempt to project something that other people would respect. I don’t fear people the way I once did. I want to be loving, to give love and compassion, give whatever comfort and support I can, to be a conduit of God’s love. That is truly the best way I can imagine living, and it’s so far removed from what I once would have considered success … not even on the same planet. The joy I have received from this, I can’t even describe to you. Joy, peace, and humility – that’s my serenity, and I have received it all through this wonderful program for living.