Whose Life are You Living?

Living with addiction means we are living a fantasy. The main reason we have addictions is to not live in the moment. We want to avoid our feelings so we create a pretend world and call it life. Life is feeling every feeling instead of avoiding some feelings. Some of my favorite bloggers have posted:

1.  Syd, who is an amazing blogger and a fun photographer, writes in “What kind of life was it?”:

“The unmanageability of a life around alcoholism is painful.  The loneliness is palpable.  No one to talk to about it for fear of shame, blaming ourselves for not being able to be a better wife, husband, father, mother, lover.  Waking up in the morning to have the first thought entering your head be, “Oh God, another day. I hope that I can get through it.”  And the last thought at night be, “I hate myself. I hate my life. I hate this person that I am supposed to love. What is wrong with me? Where did I go wrong? I don’t deserve this”.  This is the “end stage” of an unmanageable life due to alcoholism.”

“I don’t know the reasons that people choose to suffer on.  Maybe there is a huge sense of guilt.  Maybe it’s feeling unworthy, not deserving of anything better.  For me, it was all of those, based on a foundation of fear.  Better to stick with the devil you know, than the one that you don’t. Meanwhile, the days and years go by, and the despair doesn’t lift. Somehow, this existence seems as if death has already come because going through the motions of living, isn’t really living.”

2.  Hummingbird writing “Bring it on”:

“I didn’t handle it very gracefully. Oh well. The current crazymaker in my life was doing his best job of buttonpushing to get something out of me and I snapped. A telephone boxing match ensued, at the end of which I screamed, “I can’t do this anymore. It’s time for you to find someone else to run this zoo.” Not my brightest moment, nor my most eloquent words. Last week I had written “Become willing.” in my daily planner, but I wasn’t sure why. Best to be careful what you wish for!”

“Shortly after I slammed down the phone, I heard that he was resume hunting. Good. I think. And then fear runs me straight down the rabbit hole. How will I pay the mortgage? How will I afford health insurance? Panic mode.
But this is what we train for, right? Having the skills to sit comfortably enough and long enough in the “unknown zone” to let our higher power work some magic. I had been holding on and trying to control this long overdue transition. The old HP had been poking at me hard to make a change for a more healthy life, but I had been resisting. So I was presented with the ultimate crazymaker who even I, in my infinite stamina, cannot tolerate. HP does for us what we cannot do for ourselves. Funny how that works.”

3.  Gina writing “Remembering to Take Care of Me”:

“I have had a bit of a slow start in 2012 getting back to it all, but I feel that I finally am getting back into the swing of it all.  I feel energized and ready to get back to advocating for families like ours as well as continuing to take care of my family.”

”Our program Silent Siren is really coming together.  We are still in infancy, but we are making some serious strides in development.  While working on some of the education pieces last week, the topic of self care for the caregiver was brought up.  It really got me thinking about taking care of myself and how I do that.  It is so often to forget this part when I get caught up in taking care of everyone else!”

“One of the things that I do to take care of me is to read.  I read a lot of things about PTSD and other “work” topics, but I LOVE to read just for fun too.  So, I’ve spent quite a bit of time the last couple of months reading, just for fun.  It is a great escape for me to read a novel, that has nothing to do with my real life.  I can travel to a different place, or time and just get lost.  I realize how much I’ve missed it the last year when my life felt so busy I didn’t have time to pick up my kindle and just read.  It has been so great to get back to this great escape for me.”

“When my life gets crazy and hectic, I have to remember that I need to still take care of me.  Sometimes I forget this and it takes someone or an event to remind me.  However, this year as we all seek to find balance in our life (what my family is focusing on this year), I have to constantly remember it’s ok to take some time for me.”

Photo credit.

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