Don’t Know What to Say
First of all, DKWTS, I’m sorry for what you went through and I’m proud of you for not only having survived it but for having been strong enough to get help and work through your issues. It’s entirely understandable that you have scars from your experience – after all, you went through some hellish shit! – but those scars aren’t something to be ashamed of. They’re proof that you’ve been through the shit and came out on the other side.
So far, you’re doing the right thing for you: taking your time and establishing a level of comfort and trust with the women you’re interested in and that’s good. You’ve got every right to want sex on terms that make you the most comfortable and feel safe. From the sounds of things, it sounds like you’re having two issues. The first is communication. It’s a social trope that all guys are horny at all times and can’t wait to bone. Sometimes when a guy wants to take things at a slower pace, this gets read by others as “not actually interested”. Now you don’t say where your limits are and depending on how you’ve set them, this may cause some confusion; if you’re uncomfortable with, say, kissing or making out, it’s understandable that – even when you say you want to take things slowly – that women may feel as though they’re getting mixed signal, especially on the first couple date. If there’s no sign of physical chemistry, even a good night kiss, then your date may think you’re just not interested in her at all or that you’re only interested in her as friends. If you’re setting the bar towards heavy fooling around (mutual masturbation, oral, etc.) or penetrative sex, then it’s a bit easier to explain.
Either way: you want to say more than just “I want to take things slowly”. Frame it as being part of who you are, not anything about them. Say “Hey just so you know: I think you’re amazingly hot and incredible and I’m attracted to you, but I really prefer to go slow when I’m with someone I really like. It’s just my thing.” And you leave it there. It’s short, simple and respectful. It won’t be a big deal because you’re not treating it like a big deal, and others will take your lead. If they push for details, just reiterate: “Its just my thing”. You don’t need to explain or justify it. The women who are right for you will understand and respect that. When you do have that level of trust and comfort, you’ll have established that attraction and you’ll seem like you’re just practicing restraint or are the sort of person who has a slow-burn rather than not being interested. When you know them better and feel comfortable with them, you can explain. But until then: “It’s just my thing. It’s just how I am. That’s all. No big deal.”
And by the by, DKWTS, thank whatever gods you believe in that you didn’t sleep with that last girl you mentioned. Between tossing “faggot” out as an insult and berating you for having boundaries, you very clearly dodged a massive bullet. Her shitty attitude and behavior is on her, not on you. That woman volunteered her status as an asshole right up front and life is too damn short for dealing with (or dating) assholes.
But you see: that’s the great thing about having boundaries: you filter out the assholes who don’t respect them or try to push past them.