Category Archives: Recovery
Sexually Abused Children Rarely Get Well Until Adulthood
Sexual abuse is one of the ultimate betrayals. When it is committed on a child, the child feels somehow responsible for this terrible invasion. And, of course, great feelings of shame and self-hatred consume the child’s self-identity. If the child is lucky enough in adulthood to finally be ready to deal with this cancer on his/her soul, finding a group therapy can be the best way to acknowledge all the hatred that lies under the emotional surface. Sex Addicts Anonymous is a great 12 step program which has helped many of the people I’ve known over the years.
1. From osa: What We Wish Our Parents Understood About Our Sexual Abuse”:
One of the deepest sources of pain for sexual abuse survivors is the lack of support from family members, especially from parents. Over and over again, survivors of abuse have expressed the feeling that as destructive as sexual abuse is, it’s the abandonment and betrayal of their parents that hurt the most.
Conversely, when a child is believed and supported in childhood, the effects of the abuse are significantly diminished. Many parents don’t learn about the abuse until their child is grown, but understanding and support remain important even for adult survivors.
We asked survivors to share their stories and feelings about their abuse and the rejection of their parents. This is a collection of their thoughts, from their hearts, in their own words. For their full stories, you can read here.
2. From Faith Allen: “Other Abuse Aftereffects: Splitting into Two Parts”:
I have encountered a handful of child abuse survivors who split into an adult and a child alter part. They would not be classified as having dissociative identity disorder (DID) because there is no loss of time or an interchange of personalities. My guess is that they would receive a label of dissociative disorder not otherwise specified (DD-NOS), but the label is irrelevant for the purpose of this blog entry. I want to provide a place where people who experienced this split have a place to be recognized.
The people I encountered in person, online, and through books who experienced the type of split I am talking about explain their experience along these lines … They might have experienced some level of abuse or trauma in their early years, but the trauma that caused the split seems to have happened in the age range of five to eight years old, with age six being the most common age for the split to have happened. Admittedly, I have only been able to observe the experiences of a small sample, so this is definitely not written in stone.
At the time of the split, the person “buries” the wounded child part and continues on with the part that grows into an adult. The person has two parts, but the child part does not come out, which is one reason this person would be unlikely to be diagnosed with DID.
3. From just Be Real: “Healing of My Little Girl”:
We all have an inner child. I was not aware of that until I went through counseling. I just thought the way I behaved was because I was very immature and scared. Not realizing I was deeply hurt, frightened, angry, shameful… just to name a few.
As I began working on my issues and seeing how I react and think it made sense that another part of me (although one in all) was influencing me. A five year old inside me dictating my decisions most my life. Can you imagine? I can now.
I believe I had two major trauma’s in my life as a child. Sexually abused and the divorce of my parents. Basically both going on at the same time. Being sexually abused as a child (9 years old), I believe began a little before I even noticed that my parents were having difficulty in their marriage. Not understanding at all what both brought to me.
When I was sexually abused, I did not tell anyone out of fear and confusion. Many of us grew up in dysfunctional homes with dysfunctional parents. Being a victim of incest, I was even more afraid of telling a parent out of fear that they might blame me. I really do not know if I could even of expressed myself. I do not even know if I thought what my brother was doing and having me do to him was even wrong. I just know I did not like what was happening and was petrified.
Opening Up and Confiding About Family Trauma Takes Courage and Commitment
I have been reading and collecting my favorite blogs for over 10 years. I have added many of them to my Addiction Recovery A-Z List. Several of my favorite bloggers deserve extra credit because they write well, write often, and write from the heart. I am one of those bloggers so I know what I am reading.
About confiding about family trauma:
1. One of my favorite bloggers for many years is Syd. Syd’s blog is I’m just F.I.N.E.—Recovery in Al-Anon. For this post, I’ve included his writing from: “More will be revealed”:
I took my mother-in-law for her doctor’s appointment today. In the car, she began to tell me about the tests being done on her husband, who is still in hospital. I have written here before that he has cirrhosis of the liver. The doctors are doing a liver biopsy and some other tests as well.
I asked her if she thought alcohol was a factor in his liver disease. And she opened up to talk to me as she has never done before. She told me that my father-in-law would go on binges for days. She said that she has been called every name in the book by him, been yelled at and belittled. She also told me that her own father drank. And she said that he did not want her to marry another man who drank.
All of this came as a huge “Ah-Ha” for me. I could understand her anger over the years, her need for a perfect house, her changeable moods. It all made sense to me when I knew that she was a kindred soul–an adult child of an alcoholic who married an alcoholic.
I have been around my mother-in-law for all of my married life. Yet, I never had this kind of conversation with her. She kept her distress from her sister and from close friends. And she kept it for all these years from me. Now, I see her through different eyes. I feel a level of compassion for her that I have for newcomers who arrive in pain.
She has persevered through a marriage of over 50 years, carrying around a secret that so many of us, who are affected by alcoholism, do. She told me that the reason she stayed in the marriage was because of her daughter, my wife. And that decision no doubt had its ramifications for C. Probably, what she isn’t aware of, is that she stayed for other reasons as well–hoping to change the alcoholic, fear of abandonment, economic fears, pride, and a host of other emotions that keep us bound in an emotional prison.
I shared with her about my father. I didn’t mention my wife as I won’t break her anonymity, even to her own mother. I told her that I don’t know whether my dad was an alcoholic but that I also had a lot of unresolved emotions carried over from childhood. And I told her that I have learned to detach from the belligerence of others by physically removing myself. She said that she tunes out her husband’s yelling as best she can.
How I wish that she could have gotten into Al-Anon. The conversation we had made us both feel better. As she put it, “We now know something about each other that we didn’t before.” How very true. More will be revealed.
Each of us has our own share of truth, waiting to reveal itself to us. Each of us has our own share of the light, waiting for us to stand in it, to claim it as ours. ~ Melody Beattie
2. From Nel writing at Discovering Serenity. Repost below is from Talking About Trauma:Is it necessary to heal?”
Today, I was asked a question by a therapist-friend of mine, who knows I am a survivor of trauma, but does not know that I am DID. I was explaining that sometimes I get “stuck” in the healing process, like I plateau and I’m moving forward but I don’t feel like I’m making progress. I explained to her that I get stuck usually in fear, and the emotion overcomes me. I am unable to process memories with my therapist at that point. They just swirl around in my head.
She asked, “Do you have to talk about the memories to move past them?”
I answered with a very strong YES! Although, as one of “The Regulars” I don’t have clear memories of the abuse, someone else does. And they really feel like it is important to talk about it to “move on” (or whatever you call healing). My therapist-friend felt that in her professional experience, it wasn’t always necessary to process the trauma, but more important to learn and implement coping skills.
I agree that healthy coping skills are important. Grounding. Containment. Hobbies. Distraction. Relaxation. But without processing the trauma, I know I will never move on. I need to talk about it with my therapist. In detail, including feeling the feelings no matter how overwhelming they are. Once and for all. I don’t know if that’s just different for me, or if it is different because I’m DID, or if it’s different because I’m dealing with Complex Trauma. Or all three?
3. From Laura Giles writing at LauraGiles.net, I included the following excerpt: An Overview of Trauma:
The experience of trauma is different for different people. Some people bounce back very quickly from rape, for example, while others experience symptoms for years afterward. Losing a puppy may be a short-lived heartache for some, but others experience it as a life-changing event. Here are some events that may cause trauma: military combat, sexual assault, mugging, kidnapping, terrorist attacks, torture, prison, natural disasters such as earthquakes, floods or hurricanes, severe accidents, or being told you have a life threatening illness.
Trauma is not limited to events that you experience directly however. A person can be traumatized by witnessing something horrible such as a car accident or finding a dead body. Trauma can also occur when there is no violence as well, such as being verbally assaulted or locked in a closet. If there is a strong emotional reaction to an event, trauma may result- particularly if there is no intervention immediately following the event.
The common symptoms that most trauma sufferers go through are: re-experiencing the event through nightmares or flashbacks, avoiding thinking or talking about what happened, feeling emotionally numb, feeling helpless about the future, forgetfulness, trouble concentrating, relationship issues- especially with those who are close, irritability, anger, guilt, shame, self-destructive thoughts or behaviors, trouble sleeping, being easily startled, feeling afraid for no apparent reason, and hearing or seeing things that aren’t there. Symptoms generally appear shortly after the event, but it’s not unusual for them to be delayed months or even years. Symptoms may come and go. If symptoms persist for a month or more, you may have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), so it’s time to get help.
