Our conscious mind is where thoughts are formed. Our subconscious mind is where our creative mind takes root. As we learn to harness the vast power and energy of the subconscious mind, we are tapping into our real source.

Transactional analysis therapists estimate that we each have 25,000 hours of internalized negative self-talk. We are generally taught what is wrong with us by our authority figures at home, school, church, etc. In an effort to understand who we are, we accept these self-limiting labels as who we are. However, we each individually are the only one who can truly “know” who we are, or, at least, we are in the best position to make the best educated guess. Learn to challenge the “voices” (one of friends called them “the committee”) or negative self-talk you carry around in your head. Listen to what you tell yourself about you.

In learning to monitor your inner critic, learn to first determine if the criticism is helpful. If you find the suggestion to be helpful, next check to see if the inner critic is kind, gentle, and polite to you. If it is in a condemning voice, ask your inner critic to speak kinder to you.

The techniques you may use to change your inner critic from enemy to friend are: speed up the volume, mimic a falsetto voice, etc. My favorite ploy when I was learning this was to scream “Stop”. It is better to practice these techniques while alone. As someone has suggested—learn to join the airwaves until you own the station.

Self-esteem comes from how we evaluate and accept or reject input as well as the foundation we’ve created from the successes we’ve experienced. By learning to focus on our strengths rather than on our weaknesses, we have each taken charge of our own destiny.

After learning how to utilize our inner critic, we next need to take charge of our thoughts. What we choose to focus our thinking on determines what we will think and feel about ourselves. You are what you think you are. By substituting positive self-talk for negative self-talk, we are re-programming ourselves for positive action.

Photo credit.

Transactional Analysis (TA) research states that we have over 20,000 hours of negative thought by the time we are 21. If we don’t learn how to plant beautiful thoughts about ourselves in the garden of our subconscious mind, we’re surrendering control to our inner weeds.

Today I want you to think of your mind as your cash register. Picture your negative thoughts as a “No Sale” and when you find yourself thinking about yourself negatively–push “No Sale” and change your thoughts to positive.

Some others’ writing about this:

Weight Loss Without Dieting: The Weight You Can Stop Carrying- Part 1

“When we’re the most disappointed, the most frustrated and the most vulnerable, many of us have this thoroughly unreasonable idea that an emotional version of the slap-upside-the-head is what’s needed. If we allow it, the critical voices in our head that tell us we’re “not good enough” or lazy or incapable can really take control. I can’t tell you how many people I’ve heard tell me the harsh, awful, demeaning things their judgmental inner critic tells them about themselves and then, in the same breath, tell me how carefully they listen to it! This is not helpful!”

Independence Day Starts From Within:

“The next step in constructing a personal Independence Day document is to consider what inner grievances you have to air out. Time to be honest here. Make a list of the qualities that have held you back over the years. Maybe it is being critical of others, being judgmental without considering another side, living in fear, shutting down emotionally to others, feeling angry for no good reason, shutting off loved ones from your life or not speaking up when you know you should.”

“By writing down these qualities that no longer serve, you can give yourself permission to let them go. The infamous Tony Robbins always said, “if you have a limiting thought, change it.” Imagine replacing each grievance you have with a more positive option, and imagine the exhilaration of how it would feel to live life that way.”

Are You the Boss of You? Really?

“Once I recognized that voice and could see it was not really ME, I could ask it, ‘What makes you say that?’ Or ‘What do you think is going to happen? Death, famine? What?’ The voice was then stumped and I could see that it didn’t really know about something awful about to happen. it was not an omniscient being. It didn’t even make any sense. What a relief. I feel so grateful.”

“Now I can hear it when one of them says, ‘You need to go sit in the corner now.’ I was panicking then because I knew on some level that I was being abandoned when I was excited and hopeful and feeling powerful. And I was being asked to not be who I was.”

“I was also panicking recently because I soooo much want to start my business, and I know now that when I sit in a corner metaphorically, I am killing my spirit. But now that I know those voices are not ME I know that I can just notice them and go on doing what I think is right.”

Photo credit.

TA teaches us that we have inner child, inner parent, and inner adult. Each of these three mind sets also have good and bad components to each of them. The components of each of these is explained very well by Dr. Claude Steiner. Dr. Steiner’s biography is here.

The components excerpts are from this page:

(1)   “Ego States and Transactions: People’s interactions are made up of transactions. Any one transactions has two parts: the stimulus and the response. Individual transactions are usually part of a larger set. Some of these transactional sets or sequences can be direct, productive and healthy or they can be devious, wasteful and unhealthy.”

“When people interact they do so in one of three different ego states. An ego state is a specific way of thinking feeling and behaving and each ego state has its origin in specific regions of the brain. People can behave from their Parent ego state, or from their Child ego state or from their Adult ego state. At any one time our actions come from one of these three ego states.”

(2)  The Inner Child is referred by Johnny Truant writing for copyblogger.com. His post is titled:  “What My Five-Year-Old Son Taught Me About Marketing”

“You know that “inner child” we hear so much about — the one that’s supposedly deep inside of all of us?”

“Well, I live with it. As a matter of fact, I call him “Austin.”

“In the five years I’ve been a parent, I’ve realized that the notion of the inner child is more than just a neat psychological construct. It’s very nearly a literal thing. As we grow up, we don’t change so much as drape layer after complicated layer of adult emotion on top of that inner child. The child doesn’t vanish; he just gets obscured and filtered.”

“You don’t get an evolved, new mature being. You get Austin with fifteen blankets over his head.”

“Because that kid always remains at our core (and if you’ve ever caught yourself playing kids’ games with genuine enjoyment, you know that it does), our base motivations remain as well. They just get a little harder to see.”

(3)  “Art of Attention: Awakening” by Elena Brower encourages self-observation:

“Self observation, leading to self mastery, is the most neutral scientific observation of one’s self in order to discover from which center [physical, emotional or mental] the current reactions are flowing. Translated: to see which part of your being is enslaved to some external circumstance right now. To do so, practice watching your tendencies with curiosity instead of dread or judgment; the slightest bit of agility with your attention is all you need to bring you back to what is really happening, and your heart becomes more nimble all the time.”

[Tangentially, an example for the parents: your child needs you to be unshakably calm. Through watching myself overreact with my child, I've learned that to be an attentive parent is just to offer the simplest, calm responsiveness - and that our calm is infectious every time. I write this so I will remember this.]“

Photo credit.

1. Upon awakening, recite or write a gratitude list. Always begin with the gift of breath. Without breath, we’d have no life. My spirit is so rebellious at times that many days my gratitude list included only my breath. But having gratitude for even one thing was a growth from having no gratitude. Do 5 minutes of deep breathing-relish the feeling good lungs gives you.

2. Living with a positive mind is a continual discipline. Remember your thoughts are your choice. You need to learn to tune in to your thoughts. If you are thinking negative, you’re feeling negative. Is anything getting better with the choice of negativity?  Be careful not to condemn or judge yourself as these choices are negative also.

Learn how to get a check on the committee of voices that live in your head. Become your “observer self “when you are feeling negative. Change your thoughts and change your feelings.

3. Exercising your body daily for 30-60 minutes. The exercise can be divided into segments but it generally takes 20 minutes of exercise to change your level of metabolism.

4. The type or kind of food you eat isn’t as important as the portion. Count the calories or guess at the total calories involved. Use a small plate at every meal as a way to keep a check on the quantity of food eaten.

5. Help others every day. When I started this practice, I made it a rule to call 3 people that I ordinarily wouldn’t call in order to monitor my motives in helping others. My condition for myself on these calls was that the help had to be only for them and couldn’t include anything I might want from them for myself.

6. Spend some quality time with yourself enjoying or discovering your personality. This practice can be added to your meditation daily as you ask the God of your understanding to guide you.

7. As you let go of judgment, you learn to love yourself. Anyone else that you tear down, tears you down, too. Use the mental picture of throwing mud and notice that you get dirty. As Maya Angelou reminds us, “We did the best we could, and when we knew better, we did better.”

8. Begin acquiring books that are easy to pick up and review. Each day choose one section of a book to reflect on for the rest of the day. Even if you just have time to copy down a sentence, it will give you a path of self-improvement to follow.

Photo credit.

I call the part of my mind that keeps a watchful eye over my mental choices my “observer self”  because I have learned how to “set back mentally” and learn what thoughts I am allowing to control me.

What thoughts am I allowing to dominate my consciousness? The learning of what we are choosing to think about takes some practice, but you are really not in control of your life until you do it.

It is only after becoming aware the direction of our thoughts that we can learn to stop negative thoughts. Many people believe that they have no control over their own minds. They think this because they haven’t found their observer self.

It may be easier to think of this as getting control of your subconscious mind or learning to listen to the “little voice inside your head”. Some posts to help you with this mental learning are:

(1)  How to Control Your Subconscious Mind

(2)  Learn to Take Control of Your Mind

(3)  How to Reprogram Your Mind for Success

(4)  Thoughts and Peace of Mind

more color into the mirror by ivan zuber

Flipping the switch is what I call shifting your point of view. The two points of view that I am currently choosing between are scarcity thinking and prosperity thinking—the old glass half-empty or half full. The mind creates whatever thoughts we focus on. If I focus on what I don’t have instead of what I do have, I am in scarcity mode.

One of my favorite teachers for the prosperity thinking is Catherine Ponder. She was a Unity Church minister who wrote in 1958 a great book, The Dynamic Laws of Prosperity. The book was written via a series of sermons during a recession. She established her belief in prosperity being available to everyone by teaching that the Bible teaching of “not serving God and Mammon” was right. This teaching meant not worshiping wealth but to always recognize who the Giver is.

She was the first I knew who recognized that the brain works by the mental images we produce. She also believed in projected positive images to others so that they can prosper also. With prosperity thinking, you focus on what is and what can be added to the wealth you already possess. I think of it as pyramid. At the base of the pyramid, I have the love of the God of my understanding, my health, my husband, my dog, my loved ones, my business, my home, my computers, the Internet, my spiritual program, my experiences, my plants, the canals, etc.

She also taught one of the spiritual laws I believe—giving away surplus to make room for new. When my cup is full, I have to empty it to get more. So it is with possessions, love, experiences, etc. I have to make room for the new.

Diamonds by Wolfgang Staudt

One of the first aspects toward taking control of your life has to be learning how to use your mind for thought control instead of allowing your mind to control your thoughts. I know when I first read about this over thirty years ago, I was mystified about taking control of my mind. I mean I thought I did control my thoughts. As I’ve written before, transactional analysis helped me the most to find my inner personas. Once you learn to recognize parent, adult and child thinking, you will be on your way to learning how to be your observer self.

Some other links I believe will help you to retrain your brain are:

Can You Really Retrain your Brain to Think Differently?

Can You Become a Creature of New Habits?

Why Retrain the Brain?

Reprogramming Your Subconscious Mind

1. From Vicki Larson:”Should You Divorce Someone Who’s Suicidal?”:

“A sobering fact is that more than 90 percent of those who kill themselves have a diagnosable mental disorder, accounting for the tens of thousands of suicides each year (34,300 in 2007 alone). And many of them are men. In fact, four times as many men commit suicide than women, although women attempt suicide more often — two to three times as often as men. One of the reasons listed is divorce.”

“It’s no surprise that divorce plays a factor in suicide. Your life feels like it’s been slipped out from under you like a rug. For some, divorce is so devastating that they believe they have nothing to live for. Divorced people are three times more likely to commit suicide than those who are married. Again, it is men who are more at risk; one study found that divorced men have twice the risk of suicide than married men.”

“Not only can divorce spur depression, but depression can, evidently, spur divorce.”

“Marriages in which one spouse is depressed are nine times more likely to end up in divorce, according to Laura Epstein Rosen and Xavier Francisco Amador, authors of When Someone You Love is Depressed: How to Help Your Loved One Without Losing Yourself. That’s a pretty depressing number. It isn’t depression itself that sends a couple to divorce attorneys, however, but the consequences of not addressing the depression, experts say. And most of us aren’t very good at that.”

“Our loved ones see our illness far differently than we do,” writes John McManamy, an award-winning mental health journalist and author who has bipolar disorder and blogs at McMan’s Depression and Bipolar Web. “We may complain that they don’t understand us, but far too many of us fail to recognize the horrible abuse we have put them through.”

“It isn’t easy living with someone who has a mental illness, nor does everyone reach such a happy ending as the story of John Forbes Nash Jr., a Princeton mathematician and schizophrenic who was the subject of 2001′s A Beautiful Mind. Often a depressed spouse withdraws or cheats. Sometimes the spouse of the depressed person feels responsible and becomes more of a caretaker than a partner. Not only is that exhausting, but it doesn’t make for a happy, healthy marriage.”

2. From Kids Health: “About Teen Suicide”:

“The reasons behind a teen’s suicide or attempted suicide can be complex. Although suicide is relatively rare among children, the rate of suicides and suicide attempts increases tremendously during adolescence. Suicide is the third-leading cause of death for 15- to 24-year-olds, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), surpassed only by accidents and homicide.”

“The risk of suicide increases dramatically when kids and teens have access to firearms at home, and nearly 60% of all suicides in the United States are committed with a gun. That’s why any gun in your home should be unloaded, locked, and kept out of the reach of children and teens. Ammunition should be stored and locked apart from the gun, and the keys for both should be kept in a different area from where you store your household keys. Always keep the keys to any firearms out of the reach of children and adolescents. “

“Suicide rates differ between boys and girls. Girls think about and attempt suicide about twice as often as boys, and tend to attempt suicide by overdosing on drugs or cutting themselves. Yet boys die by suicide about four times as often girls, perhaps because they tend to use more lethal methods, such as firearms, hanging, or jumping from heights.”

3. From James Ure: “Suicides Account for Majority of U.S. Military Deaths: Surpassing Battlefield Deaths”::

“For the second consecutive year, the U.S. military has lost more troops to suicide, than it has to combat in Afghanistan and Iraq. That doesn’t even include all the reservists. End the wars and improve mental health for our soldiers AND civilians. For too long, mental health has been the “dirty lil’ secret” in America–it’s time to speak out and be brave.’

“It’s really easy to slap a yellow ribbon magnet onto your gas guzzling Hummer and lull yourself into a delusion that you’re supporting the troops. Of course, everyone supports the soldiers in Afghanistan and Iraq, but how about when they come home? All too often they fade from our memories and they are left to disappear into the shadows of loneliness, isolation and mental anguish. Our soldiers did their fighting abroad, and now that they are at home, it is up to us, the civilians they fought for, to stand up and fight for them. It is up to us, to support them, and to gain the top-notch, mental health care that they have earned and deserve.”

“I refuse to stand by and let our tormented veterans be ignored and shunned because of the battle wounds that have scarred their minds. I hate war and dislike that they have to go through war in the first place, but I love those soldiers more. We need to put our money where our mouth is on this issue–literally. Is it so hard to give of our wealth, so that these heroes will be given every bit of assistance they need, earned in blood and deserve? Or, is our support for them limited to those yellow magnets on our cars that are literally, “the least we can do” for them?”

Photo credit.

1. From Anna North: “Better Mental Health Care Won’t End Murder, But It Will Save Lives”:

“It’s hard to say what, if anything, would have helped Loughner, and Marcotte doesn’t pretend to have all the answers. But she does point out that although his school demanded he seek therapy, he didn’t do so — possibly because finding and paying for therapy in America is still extremely hard. Writes Marcotte, “If a community college student with poor access to health care needs contraception, she knows who to call: Planned Parenthood. We need something like that for people who find themselves in need of mental health services.” A Planned Parenthood of mental health care would help the many, many people in this country who are suffering from mental illness and don’t know where to turn. Most of these people are not and will never become violent, and getting them the therapy they need wouldn’t reduce the national murder rate very much. But it would reduce the number of sick people who can’t find help — and that, in itself, is a worthy goal.”

2.  From Dr. Charles Ralson” Do I have major depression?:

Question asked by Belle of Dallas, Texas:

“Hi, I am a teen in high school and I was wondering whether or not I should talk to my doctor, again, about taking medicine for depression. I have been so depressed for roughly two years, however it has progressively gotten worse. I have done some research and I have almost all the symptoms of depression.”

“I have told many trusted adults including my own parents, my doctor, and my siblings, however all of them just say it’s just a phase I’m passing through. Truly though, I know what I’m feeling and doing is not normal; my grades are dropping, I have gained weight, I have withdrawn from society, I am always tired, my period is late, I never feel happy, some days, I sleep way too much, and I wake up angry, sad, or crying.”

Expert answer:

“I am sorry to hear of your difficulties. You are having a “textbook” major depression, with all the symptoms that are especially common when teenagers get depressed. Eating too much, sleeping too much – these are classic markers for serious depression in young people. It’s paradoxical, but when it comes to depression, the more a person sleeps the more tired she feels. Sleeping too much almost always goes with feeling exhausted. You don’t mention it, but it’s common for depressed people who eat and sleep too much to also have feelings of extreme heaviness in their arms and legs.”

“Based on what you describe, I strongly disagree with anyone who tells you this is just a phase, which usually is code talk for “just ignore it.” The scientific data are very clear that when someone has the symptoms you do, it is imperative she gets treatment, and the sooner the better.”

“For example, a recent study showed that teenagers who develop depression and are treated with an antidepressant do much better for a number of years afterward than kids who get depressed and don’t get treatment. Psychotherapy is also very effective and would be another very good option for you, depending on what your circumstances allow.”

3. From  John Grohol: “Patrick Kennedy on Mental Illness and Treatment”:

“The speech Patrick Kennedy gave was forceful, thoughtful and rousing, and regularly invoked war imagery to spark our imagination in the “fight” against mental illness. I’m not much into political dynasties, but after hearing him speak, I can understand why the Kennedy’s have had such a long and successful run in politics.”

“When we say combat operations are over, we mislead our citizens to say the fight for our soldiers is over,” Rep. Ted Kennedy said. “Why are we leaving our solders prisoners of war? Prisoners of their war injuries like TBI (traumatic brain injury) and PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder).”

“[Our veterans are] held hostage by depression, addiction. They’re held behind enemy lines by stigma. To them, it’s a moral failure,” Kennedy said. “Alcoholism, lashing out at their spouse… These are just the symptoms.”

“When we talk about ‘mental health,’ we re-stigmatize these disorders. Separate but equal. You have this [mental health] issue, you go over there to this other system. [It's like] Plessy versus Ferguson — separate but equal.”

“Patrick Kennedy has a point. We have two separate systems in the U.S. — one that deals with the physical health problems, and one that deals with the mental health problems. These two systems are so separate, many physicians aren’t even aware of how the mental health system works. There is very little coordination of care unless a specific professional or patient works hard for it.”

Photo Credit.

By Alex E. Proimos

“What we commonly call man–the eating, drinking, planting, counting man, does not–as we know him-represent himself, but misrepresents himself. Him we do not respect. But the soul, whose organ he is, would he let it appear through his action would make our knees bend. When it breathes through his in-intellect, it is genius. When it breathes through his will, it is virtue. When it flows through his affection, it is love.” Walt Whitman

1. Understanding My Son: “Self-Advocating”

I’ve been quiet because school is going well and I’ve been afraid to jinx it.  I’m doing my best to live in the moment but still don’t have the guts to brag about the good times, the best I can do is quiet enjoyment.  There have been some issues but they’re the kind of issues we had during the calm times last year, not at all what I’d expect from the dreaded first month of school.  However, these issues have frustrated some of G’s classmates and are starting to impact his ability to befriend these students.  His teacher suggested to G that he share the snapshot that we provide the adults that will come into contact with G with his class during the Friday class meeting.  G was enthusiastic about the idea.  I am terrified.

I guess I should say I’m more anxious than terrified.  I think it is fantastic that G is secure enough in his identity as a person with Asperger Syndrome and is comfortable with opening himself up to his peers.  I think this means we’ve been successful as parents in our quest to make AS just another characteristic that makes a person special, like a talent for music or left-handedness.  Still, I worry about what the other kids will think.  I worry they’ll twist the information and use it to taunt G on the playground or label him with the dreaded R-word.  But I need to have faith.  G’s teacher has a solid special-ed background and I trust her to know how to handle her class.  The school psychologist that I adore will be present.  I’ve dug out our go-to books on the subject, “Can I Tell You About Asperger Syndrome,” and “Different Like Me, My Book of Autism Heroes.”

Even with all my worries, I have to say I’m bursting with pride.  This is G’s first experience advocating for himself.  It’s what I’ve always wanted for him, to be able to take control of his autism and his life.  I guess I just didn’t expect it at 7 years old.  He never fails to amaze me.

2. Jump on the Rollercoaster: “A Crash Course in Kid…

“Along with having a nasty, chesty bug that just won’t go away, Billy’s been on an odd kind of rollercoaster – an emotional one. It’s up and down, one minute sadder than ever, next minute really happy, next minute saying really troubling things like, ‘No-one thinks I’m any good at anything…’ and slouching off to another room (where is is suddenly, magically giggling again).”

“Catastrophiser that I am, I’ve been googling anxiety in autism, looking back at the old text books,   looking everywhere for ways to handle this new challenge. I’ve been trying to focus myself, telling myself anxiety disorders are common in people on the spectrum. It’s cool. There are heaps of great books about it. It’s not new ground, we can handle this.”

“I’ve been reading about biomedical and therapeutic interventions. I read this awesome book called Shut Up About Your Perfect Kid, about two sisters with SN kids – one with autism, and another with pediatric bipolar disorder… just incase we were heading toward something really, mega-rollercoaster-y.”

“And still, we would have moments, often when Billy was at his computer where he would stop, sigh and say, ‘I’m genuinely not so good at anything at all…”

“Billy’s language development is an ongoing game, and lots of phrases creep in from  external sources. So, I started looking sideways at the other kids at school, wondering if there had been conversations about Billy’s deficits while he was close by. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, seriously.  We’d all rather the conversations are open and honest. Billy’s well able to advocate for himself, and an questions that are too hard for him will always be brought to us anyway. Hippy school kids have a tendency to overturn every stone they see.”

“I didn’t hear anything (and no short person collared me with questions about different brains or funny wiring) so… I relaxed my Mummy Eagle Eyes at school and resigned myself to the fact that approaching tween-dom was bring with it the hormones of doom.”

3.  The Gift: A Blog for Caregivers of Sensational Children: “Transitional Tuesdays: “SPD from My Perspective-An Interview With My Jaimie”

MAMA: Oh no. Well, maybe you needed some things to make your body feel safe so that your feet would have remembered to stop. What makes your body feel safe, Jaimie? So, when your body feels scared what helps it feel better or ‘safe’?
JAIMIE: Usually I just like to sit down on my spot on the couch with my pillow on top of me and I snuggle with Lamby (Mama’s note: ‘Lamby’ is a weighted stuffed Lamb that we can heat up). He’s really soft and he gets warm.
MAMA: So ‘heavy’ and ‘warm’ makes your body feel safe. What else helps? Do you do things with Mommy that makes you feel better?
JAIMIE: Yeah! I like music. I like to dance. And I like squishy massages.
MAMA: Me too! What kinds of music do you like?
JAIMIE: Beatles music is my favorite. I like Ringo and John.
MAMA: They are my favorites too. What ‘hurts’ your body?
JAIMIE: Sometimes when people touch me it really hurts. Like one of my classmates touches me or play pushes me and it really hurts. Or last year, a girl liked touching my hair and I just hated that. Maddie told her not to touch me or my hair. And I don’t like it when people don’t follow the ‘my space’ rules. That makes me mad.
MAMA: Me too, Jaimie. Now one thing I thought was really neat was that you knew that Xander had SPD before anybody else. How did you know that?
JAIMIE: I’m not so sure but he was just acting strange and getting mad about stuff and yelling when things were loud and stuff. Kinda like I did when I was a kid.
MAMA: You’re so smart! Okay, let’s have one more question. Are you ready?
JAIMIE: YEAH!!
MAMA: What are things you want people to understand about Jaimie when it comes to her and SPD?
JAIMIE: I want them to understand my SPD. Like once with my swimming teacher…he didn’t understand that I was trying really, really hard to do stuff but he kept telling me I wasn’t trying and made me keep going even when I was tired and I couldn’t do it anymore! He made me and Jordy cry! He said that I had to move my arms and legs and everything and I tried but they weren’t moving the way he said was the ‘right’ way. I wanted him to understand that I do try and that what I was doing wasn’t wrong. It was just what my arms and legs could do. That’s all.
MAMA: I like that answer, Jaimie. So, what do you want people to understand about you the most?
JAIMIE: Uhm…that I have SPD and that they should not be too hard on me and be okay when I’m brave enough to try and to like me just for who I am.
Thank you, Jaimie. I love you just for who you are and I always will. Tomorrow we’ll have an interview with Jordy on what it’s like being a sister in a ‘sensational’ family and learn what’s awesome about her.