Boats by kimdokhac

I have believed for years that addiction is cured only when we learn how to reparent ourselves, This includes not only healing our inner child but also healing all the children we have within.

I have written the following posts about the inner child and/or reparenting:

Our Inner Child is our Eternal Child

Recovery Means Healing All Your Inner Critics

Your Childhood Pain was a Gift

Reparenting Your Inner Child

Learn to Listen and Guide Your Inner Voices

Helping Others to Learn Reparenting

Books About Reparenting

According to Dr. Tian Dayton, children who grow up with alcohol or other drug abuse may experience:

• Loss of Trust and Faith Due to deep ruptures in primary, dependency relationships and breakdown of an orderly world.
• Distorted Reasoning Due to convoluted attempts to make sense and meaning out of chaotic, confusing, frightening or painful experience that feels senseless.
• Easily Triggered
• Development of Rigid Psychological Defenses When this person develops long term ‘charactor armour’ to defend against letting pain in.
• Desire to Self-Medicate When this person attempts to quiet and control their turbulent, troubled inner world through the use of drugs and alcohol or behavioral addictions.This can be part of how addiction gets passed down through the generations.

When Words Matter

Avoiding the Shut Down Mode

Obtuse by Eye of Einstein

In Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples, Harville Hendrix writes:

“When you hear the words “psychological and emotional damage of childhood”, you may immediately think about serious childhood traumas such as sexual or physical abuse or the suffering that comes from having parents who divorced or died or were alcoholics. And for many people this is the tragic reality of childhood. However, even if you were fortunate enough to grow up in a safe, nurturing environment, you still bear invisible scars from childhood,because from the very moment you were born you were a complex, dependent creature with a never-ending cycle of needs. Freud correctly labeled us “insatiable beings”. And no parents, no matter how devoted, are able to respond perfectly to all these changing needs.”

Being famous is a poor substitute for an abusive childhood–Reprinted from Rolling Stone’s archives about Michael Jackson (courtesy of Feminist Philosophers):

“From a young age Jackson was physically and mentally abused by his father, enduring incessant rehearsals, whippings and name-calling. Jackson’s abuse as a child affected him throughout his grown life. In one altercation — later recalled by Marlon Jackson — Joseph held Michael upside down by one leg and “pummeled him over and over again with his hand, hitting him on his back and buttocks”. Joseph would often trip up, or push the male children into walls. One night while Jackson was asleep, Joseph climbed into his room through the bedroom window. Wearing a fright mask, he entered the room screaming and shouting. Joseph said he wanted to teach his children not to leave the window open when they went to sleep. For years afterward, Jackson suffered nightmares about being kidnapped from his bedroom.”

“Jackson first spoke openly about his childhood abuse in a 1993 interview with Oprah Winfrey. He said that during his childhood he often cried from loneliness and would sometimes get sick or start to regurgitate upon seeing his father. In Jackson’s other high profile interview, Living with Michael Jackson (2003), the singer covered his face with his hand and began crying when talking about his childhood abuse. Jackson recalled that Joseph sat in a chair with a belt in his hand as he and his siblings rehearsed and that “if you didn’t do it the right way, he would tear you up, really get you.”

Childhood by Mella DP, a 29 year old female engineer from Chicago, includes these sections:

1.  What were afraid of as a child?

2.  What were your favorite books as a child? Do you ever reread any of them? If so, how do they hold up? Were there ever any that gave you nightmares, but you had to finish them anyway?

3.  As a child, how did you feel about other children? Were your friends mostly your age, mostly older, or mostly non-existent?

4.  What was your favorite toy? Do you wish that you still had it? Do you still have it or have you bought another off Ebay?

Reflections on the Arctic Sea by Will Hybrid

“It requires a tremendous leap of faith to imagine that your own childhood—punctuated with pain, loss, and hurt-­may, in fact, be a gift. Certainly the unhappiness you felt was not, in itself, a blessing; but in response to that pain, you learned to cultivate a powerful intuition, a heightened sensitivity, and a passionate devotion to healing and love that burns deep within you—and there are gifts that may be recognized, honored, and cultivated. You are not broken; childhood suffering is not a mortal wound.” Wayne Muller

I believe most of our emotional pain comes from experiences and misconceptions that happened during our childhood. One of the current books I’m reading is The Inner Child Workbook: What to Do With Your Past When It Just Won’t Go Away by Cathryn Taylor.

Her book is about our inner children. The inner child has been a subject of study for several years. But Cathryn suggests that we have several inner personalities. She specifically has chapters about the infant self, the toddler self, the young inner child, the grade-school child within, the young teen within, the adolescent within, and the young inner adult.

In the introduction by Rokelle Lerner, she mentions that inner child work demands courage and tenacity. She writes “the goal of inner child work is not to blame; rather, it is to awaken the childlike wonder and spontaneity and integrate them with an adult sense of responsibility and protection.”

The tools she recommends for healing are : (1) guided imagery, (2) verbal and written dialogues, (3) mirror work, (4) drawing, (5) using pictures from magazines, (6) activities, and (7) rituals.

For beginning, she recommends that this book not be used if:

1. Do not use this book if you are not interested in being able to feel your feelings.

2. Do not use this book if you are on prescription mood-altering drugs unless your work is supervised by a professional.

3. Do not use this book if you are in early recovery from chemical dependency. She recommends that you have twelve to twenty-four months of abstinence.

4. Do not use this book in isolation.

Oceans of Light by eye-of-einstein

I have written about the importance of using transactional analysis to discover which of your inner voices has the main track. Our feelings come from our thoughts. So if we are basically in our inner child, we may feel inadequate, angry, abused, etc.

TA teaches us that we have inner child, inner parent, and inner adult. Each of these three mind sets also have good and bad components to each of them. The components of each of these is explained very well by Dr. Claude Steiner. Dr. Steiner’s biography is here.

The components excerpts are from this page:

(1)   “Ego States and Transactions: People’s interactions are made up of transactions. Any one transactions has two parts: the stimulus and the response. Individual transactions are usually part of a larger set. Some of these transactional sets or sequences can be direct, productive and healthy or they can be devious, wasteful and unhealthy.”

“When people interact they do so in one of three different ego states. An ego state is a specific way of thinking feeling and behaving and each ego state has its origin in specific regions of the brain. People can behave from their Parent ego state, or from their Child ego state or from their Adult ego state. At any one time our actions come from one of these three ego states.”

(2)  The Inner Child is referred by Johnny Truant writing for copyblogger.com. His post is titled:  “What My Five-Year-Old Son Taught Me About Marketing”

“You know that “inner child” we hear so much about — the one that’s supposedly deep inside of all of us?”

“Well, I live with it. As a matter of fact, I call him “Austin.”

“In the five years I’ve been a parent, I’ve realized that the notion of the inner child is more than just a neat psychological construct. It’s very nearly a literal thing. As we grow up, we don’t change so much as drape layer after complicated layer of adult emotion on top of that inner child. The child doesn’t vanish; he just gets obscured and filtered.”

“You don’t get an evolved, new mature being. You get Austin with fifteen blankets over his head.”

“Because that kid always remains at our core (and if you’ve ever caught yourself playing kids’ games with genuine enjoyment, you know that it does), our base motivations remain as well. They just get a little harder to see.”

(3)  “Art of Attention: Awakening” by Elena Brower encourages self-observation:

“Self observation, leading to self mastery, is the most neutral scientific observation of one’s self in order to discover from which center [physical, emotional or mental] the current reactions are flowing. Translated: to see which part of your being is enslaved to some external circumstance right now. To do so, practice watching your tendencies with curiosity instead of dread or judgment; the slightest bit of agility with your attention is all you need to bring you back to what is really happening, and your heart becomes more nimble all the time.”

[Tangentially, an example for the parents: your child needs you to be unshakably calm. Through watching myself overreact with my child, I've learned that to be an attentive parent is just to offer the simplest, calm responsiveness - and that our calm is infectious every time. I write this so I will remember this.]”

Strawberry Schoolhouse by kevindooley

(1)  The Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Sourcebook

“Trauma can take many forms, from witnessing a violent crime or surviving a natural disaster to living with the effects of abuse, rape, combat, or alcoholism. Deep emotional wounds may seem like they will never heal. However, with The Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Sourcebook, Dr. Glenn Schiraldi offers a remarkable range of treatment alternatives and self-management techniques, showing survivors that the other side of pain is recovery and growth.”

Live your life more fully-without fear, pain, depression, or self-doubt

• Identify emotional triggers-and protect yourself from further harm
• Understand the link between PTSD and addiction-and how to break it
• Find the best treatments and techniques that are right for you

“This updated edition covers new information for war veterans and survivors with substance addictions. It also explores mindfulness-based treatments, couples strategies, medical aids, and other important treatment innovations.”

(2)  Reparenting by Dr. Larry Gilliam, Deborah Freeman, and David Majors

Product description:

“Deep inside you, there is a part of you that still thinks, feels, and reacts like a child. This is true because time alone does not heal all the wounds of childhood. There are actually steps and a process you must go through to nurture and heal the child within you. This process is called reparenting, and this workbook is the first of two volumes designed to walk you through it.”

(3)  Stories That Heal: Reparenting Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families by Lee Wallas

This book has many stories about each phase of childhood growth.

(4) When Love is Not Perfect: Discovering Gods Reparenting Process

No information available.

(5)  Reparenting Yourself by Art Martin has a subtitle of “Growing Up Again–Recovering Your Lost Self.

No information available.

Danmark O by Rita Willaert

(1)  Stages of Ages: Rechilding Your Inner Child by Elaine Gowell

Product description:

“Many of us reach Adulthood not ever aware that we have an Inner Child whose thoughts, feelings and early decisions {Core Beliefs) unconsciously govern our every action and reaction. We make child-like decisions which are no longer functional in our adult lives.”

“This book offers a series of experiences which are based on profound knowledge of developmental psychology. These suggested processes focus on the healing of past trauma. The book helps us to raise a new and deeper awareness of the Inner Child in each one of us.”

“As we grow up, we humans pass through specific stages which are clearly delineated in the literature. We know that when our growing up is disturbed by trauma, neglect, overindulgence or other kinds of discounting of our very nature we are left with scars on our soul and psyche.”

“These psychic scars can be gently revived, re-experienced and filled with the loving infusion of ReChilding and Corrective Parenting experiences which are described in this book. Given healthy relationships with healthy therapists who deeply understand the Stages of Development for normal Human beings one can understand that it truly is “Never too late to have a happy Childhood”.”

(2)  Inner Bonding: Becoming a Loving Adult to Your Inner Child by Margaret Paul

From The Library Journal:

“This work teaches us to connect our inner adult (logical conscious mind) with our inner child (instinctual or gut feelings) so that we may live conflict-free lives. Paul has worked extensively with this form of psychotherapy, which she calls inner bonding, and is the author of several books on the subject.”

“Through loving behavior and acknowledgment of that “voice” within ourselves, the author claims that we can satisfy our own needs and not be totally dependent on others for happiness. She gives examples through her counseling work with those who want better family, marital, social, and work relationships and encourages outside help for special problems such as alcoholism, sex addiction, and codependency.”

“This is a very helpful book for both individuals and couples who want to learn how to acknowledge their inner needs and address fears and false beliefs that often stem from childhood. Recommended for large self-help and therapy collections.”
- Demetria A. Harvin, “Hospital Medicine,” New York

(3)  The Turn Around Mom: How an Abuse and Addiction Survivor Stopped the Toxic Cycle for Her Family–and How You Can, Too! by Carrie Sipp

Product description:

“If you grew up in a dysfunctional, abusive, or addictive home, you are intimately familiar with violence, uncertainty, and suppressing your feelings. What you may not know, though, is how to create a sane, structured, and serene home for your own family when you never experienced these things yourself. Now you can.”

“Part courageous memoir, part influential how-to guide, The Turn Around Mom offers the tools you need to end the legacy of toxicity. With chilling vignettes from author Carey Sipp’s own abusive past, plus the tips and techniques she used to turn her life–and thus the lives of her children–around, this stirring story will be the daily touchstone that you and your family deserve.”

As Light As Air by aussiegall

As I mentioned in an earlier post, when I am ready to connect some things for my recovery, God delivers the perfect post. In this case, it was “Cutting the Cords of My Past” by Willow on her blog, Making My Peace.

Willow writes about her study of learning about energy healing. One of things she learned was about cord cutting. “Knowing how to sense the cords and disconnecting them proved helpful and healing through my divorce. Whenever I could feel my soon-to-be (or even post divorce) husband’s stifling energy moving in on me, in my mind’s eye, I would pull out my “spiritual scissors” and cut the cord…just release him and release myself.”

I, too, am going through a disastrous divorce–the one I didn’t see coming. But after 4 months of working my AA program, I am beginning to feel some relief. I took a 5th step last week about my side of the street in order to keep it clean. And, lo and behold, I found the cords connecting me to this marriage and let the cords go. I felt like I could fly after I finished.

If you get a chance read Willow’s account of the total experience. You will be given a way out of the confusion of intense feelings.

So what cords did I let go of?

(1) Because I made a serious error in judgment, I had put myself in a prison of not deserving all the love I need.

Solution: I am developing a new AA family. I find the people that I feel the most natural with and then go the meetings that they go to. I also every week seek out 1-2 new meetings in order to meet new “family” members. Then I introduce them to each other.

(2)  I realized that I was back in my marriage in that original family I was born into. I believe that most trouble between people or nations is about the division of power between or among them. In the power struggle, there are three positions; victim, abuser and/or rescuer.

Solution: Agree to the divorce and use my energy to plan my present in a way that created a new life path for me.

The ties between codependency and my PTSD will continue to explored in number 2 in this series.

Orange-Pear Biter

Transactional analysis is the method I used to identify what the committee in my head was saying to me. I found that I was using two ego states: spoiled brat and punishing parent. No wonder I was miserable. Transactional analysis helps you to define your inner child, inner parent, and inner adult.

Business Balls defines the three roles (called ego states) as:

1.  Parent–

Physical – angry or impatient body-language and expressions, finger-pointing, patronizing gestures,

Verbal – always, never, for once and for all, judgmental words, critical words, patronizing language, posturing language.

N.B. beware of cultural differences in body-language or emphases that appear ‘Parental’.

2.  Child–

Physical – emotionally sad expressions, despair, temper tantrums, whining voice, rolling eyes, shrugging shoulders, teasing, delight, laughter, speaking behind hand, raising hand to speak, squirming and giggling.

Verbal – baby talk, I wish, I don’t know, I want, I’m going to, I don’t care, oh no, not again, things never go right for me, worst day of my life, bigger, biggest, best, many superlatives, words to impress.

3.  Adult–

Physical – attentive, interested, straight-forward, tilted head, non-threatening and non-threatened.

Verbal – why, what, how, who, where and when, how much, in what way, comparative expressions, reasoned statements, true, false, probably, possibly, I think, I realize, I see, I believe, in my opinion.

Modern developments for TA has been defined by several people—Claude Steiner is a recognized leader. Business balls gives these definitions:

Parent is now commonly represented as a circle with four quadrants:

Nurturing – Nurturing (positive) and Spoiling (negative).

Controlling – Structuring (positive) and Critical (negative).

Child is now commonly represented as circle with four quadrants:

Adapted – Co-operative (positive) and Compliant/Resistant (negative).

Free – Spontaneous (positive) and Immature (negative).

Adult remains as a single entity, representing an ‘accounting’ function or mode, which can draw on the resources of both Parent and Child.

A more complex and complete definition of the modern TA theory is written by Claude Steiner. He does a great job of including the evolution of ideas for this counseling method.

A quite clever diagram at changingminds.org shows the interactions of the parent, child and adult. The roles pictured here are: controlling parent (Do this. Stop that), nurturing parent (It’s OK), adult, adaptive child (No. Please), natural child (Whee. Wah!), the little professor (let’s try), and my favorite role (creative-‘free child’).

Further reading about Transactional Analysis:

A Compilation of Core Concepts

Key Ideas Summary

Transactional Analysis Student—the study and training aids for trainee psychotherapists and counselors

TA Tudor includes a study guide for the TA 101 course and also has 400+ handouts

You Travel Far to Discover Home by Ben

“Inner child is the carrier of our personal stories, the vehicle for our memories of both the actual child and an idealized child from the past. It is the truly alive quality of being within us. It is the soul, our experiencer throughout the cycles of life. It is the sufferer. And it is the bearer of renewal through rebirth, appearing in our lives whenever we detach and open to change.”     Jeremiah Abrams

If you can help someone get in touch with the creativity inside them, you have helped a person discover the beautiful self he/she is inside. Our joy lives in our creativity which is the joyful, playful child inside. The self-esteem school of helping people requires living in the head. Getting in touch with creativity requires living in the heart.

“In the adult there lurks a child—an eternal child, something that is always becoming, is never completed, and that calls for increasing care, attention, and education. This is the part of the human personality that wishes to develop and become whole.” Carl Jung

The inner child is a popular topic for many types of blogs. Some of the posts include the following ideas:

1.  Dr. Stephen Diamond writes: “We were all once children, and still have that child dwelling within us. But most adults are quite unaware of this. And this lack of conscious relatedness to our inner child is precisely where so many behavioral, emotional and relationship difficulties stem from.”

2. In How to Tame Your “Inner Brat”, according to psychologist Pauline Wallin, we need to “tame our inner brat” by aligning and squelching the nagging voice in our minds that fuels our dissatisfaction; in other words, that holds us “prisoners of our thoughts.”

3. From Livestrong.com, in an article about inner child, the following questions are answered:

The “inner child” is the…
How did the “inner child” get there?
What is the unfinished business of the “inner child”?
How does the “inner child” come into being?
What are the signs of activity of the “inner child”?
What messages did the “inner child” need to hear, but which went unsaid?
What are the negative consequences of suppressing the “inner child”?
What nurturing messages can you give your “inner child”?
What are some steps by which you can help heal your “inner child”?