1.  Child Abuse Survivors: “Powerlessness”

I’ve been thinking quite a bit about this subject of late. I won’t get into any of the details of why, but suffice it to say, I’ve had a number of conversations and seen stories of people who find themselves in situations, as adults, that from the outside seem easily changeable, yet they don’t do anything to try and change things.

I’m sure you’ve all seen similar stories, whether it be the abused wife who won’t leave, the disgruntled employee who never looks for another job, or the kid who gets bullied even into adulthood. I’ve always considered these situations to be a product of fear, afraid of what worse things might happen as opposed to the hell you know and live with. Lately, however, I’m beginning to wonder if there isn’t something deeper behind that fear, especially when it comes to survivors of child abuse. What I see when I dig into that fear motivation, is powerlessness.

Yes, there’s fear of the unknown in changing all of those situations I listed, and many more specific situations that I know we can all relate to, but a big part of that fear seems to come from not having any sense that we actually have the power to say no, or to remove ourselves from a situation. As children, of course, we were taught exactly that. All the while I was being abused as a child, I didn’t have the power to say no, or to remove myself. It was taken away from me, and even now, as an adult, I recognize that there are times I look at circumstances that I could change, but fall right back into feeling like I don’t have the power to do so.

2.  Writing: Overcoming Damaging Effects of Child Abuse and Rape:

Ignored

Being ignored is the cruelest way to make a point……to flaunt control…..to wield power. Not acknowledging a person can create a hurt so deep – it’s the harshest thing someone can do to another…especially if that person claims to care.
My father used to ignore me….refusing to talk or  acknowledge my presence. His silence would go on for days…sometimes weeks… shutting me out of his world….closing the door….denying me access to him. He wanted to teach me a lesson….that he was right….I was wrong…he was good….I was bad.  It was his way to force me to do whatever he wanted.
He had hurt me many times with his words and his fists – yet to be locked out of his world tore at me. It made me crazy…and desperate to make things right. I ended up doing whatever he wanted….anything just to have him acknowledge me again.

Ever since I could think, he taught me  ‘that without him…I was nothing’  and even though he beat me…called me awful names…broke my spirit – I believed I needed him to live…to breathe…to exist. I needed him to survive.

Something has changed since I wrote my story…and told the truth of what happened. Writing…voicing what I had never been able to say….changed something in me. It gave me an inner strength…a courage I didn’t have before. I’m not afraid anymore and I’m not a child.

3.  Blooming Lotus: “Need for Therapy in Early Stages of Healing From Child Abuse”

Child abuse survivors need therapy. Period. It does not matter if the abuse happened one time or was ongoing throughout your childhood. Healing from child abuse is extremely difficult, and you need a qualified therapist to help you through it.

I was determined not to enter into therapy when I first started having flashbacks about the child abuse. I was in the process of trying to adopt a child, and I feared that I would be “disqualified” if I was in therapy because I would be seen as “crazy.” (As it turns out, therapy is highly encouraged for hopeful adoptive parents and will not be held against you. You just need to have your therapist write a letter stating that your reason for seeking therapy will not negatively affect your ability to parent a child.)

I decided that I was going to do the healing work myself. The problem was that every resource I turned to began with, “Find a good therapist.” There is a very good reason for this advice …you need to work with a qualified therapist with experience working with people who have been abused because trying to do it yourself is simply too hard. If it was possible to heal through sheer force of will, then I would have done it.

If you try to heal from the child abuse yourself, you will find yourself in over your head. When you first come to terms with the reality that you were abused, you will go through a “breakthrough crisis.” For me, this felt like a pressure cooker of emotions had the lid blown off of it, and my emotions had exploded all over me. For six weeks, I truly did not know from minute to minute if I was going to survive it. Nevertheless, I was hell-bent on healing myself. I changed my mind after finding myself lying on the floor, shaking, crying, hyperventilating, and trying to decide on the best way to commit suicide. At this point, I realized that anything would be better than this and decided to enter therapy.

Photo credit.

By FnJBnN

“In our lives we are faced with a set of core issues that resurface again and again in different settings/ with different people, at different times.  These issues involve our relation­ship with the world, with ourselves, with our Higher Power. These are our life lessons.

Stephanie Covington and Liana Beckett

1.  Jane Dough:  “betrayal & honesty”:

“Many texts on sex addiction & codependency espouse that sex addicts have relationships to get sex and codependents have sex to get relationships. It’s just been lately that I’ve been able to identify with that.”

“In each scenario, someone is (a) giving something they don’t want to give (b) in an inarticulated bargain (c) for something outside of themselves (d) that they think will make them happy/whole/complete. Men (most often strong on the addict side) and women (most often strong on the codependent side) may have different things they unhappily give away/ attempt to covertly acquire, but the SYSTEM is the same.”

“Example 1: This is in direct contrast to, for example, purchasing a Pepsi at a convenience store. The price tag says $1. The exchange is clear & direct. I don’t just stick $1 in the tip cup, silently hoping I’ll be handed a Pepsi and then grumble if I’m not. I also don’t pressure the cashier to toss in a candy bar for free. Likewise, the clerk doesn’t then jack up the price once I’m holding the beverage in my hot little hand. It is an honest transaction.”

“Example 2: That dysfunctional, unclear, expectation-filled system is also markedly contrasted by 2 friends seeing a show together that they both want to see, with someone they like to do that activity with, in a price range they can afford, at a time & location that is convenient, and in a relationship which has no unspoken grudges. (*Poof* goes the resentment factor, “bye-bye” drama triangle.)”

“I’m learning to practice newer, stricter, deeper levels of emotional honesty. This is directly linked with an increased ability to create safety. That is an outgrowth of crediting and prioritizing the messages of my gut/intuition. None of which can happen without some sense that “I am OK” and “Having needs is OK.”

“It’s a subtle change that revolutionizes everything: like a few drops of very hot sauce altering the entire dish.”

2.   From Woman Anonymous7: “How Far I’ve Come”:

“Last night I was looking at some phrases I’ve kept on a piece of paper beside the bed to remind me about what I’ve learned from discovering Husband’s sex addiction.”

1. I can find peace and freedom in surrender and gratitude
2. I’m powerless. Just admit it and surrender (over and over and over again)
3. One day at a time.
4. My most important relationship is with my higher power, which I am an expression of
5. My most important actions are to use my life and my abilities to be of service as an expression of love, compassion and non-duality, and to celebrate everything I have.
6. If I listen for it I will always hear the voice of higher power.
7. Pain, fear and all kinds of adversity are opportunity. I can allow both the good and the bad to be gifts.
8. What am I resisting?
9. I can always choose the most empowering context.
10. Surrendering to the moment at hand is usually the most powerful response.
11. Have fun!
12. If I forget all of this, remembering is the next part of my journey

“As I looked at that list, I realized how much of this has become who I am. I don’t need this piece of paper as much as I used to, because much of what I’ve learned has become fundamentally integrated into my approach to the world.”

“It made me happy to realize that I’ve really grown and changed in some very potent ways.”

“I’m proud of myself, because it wasn’t an easy road, and it could have gone many different ways.”

Some good links about sexual addiction:

3.  Sexual Addiction–Breaking It Down offers Christ-centered support for men and women seeking recovery from lust and compulsive sexual behaviors.

4.  The five common traits of sex addicts: unloved–untouchable–dissatisfied–self-deception– and secretive from Barb Rogers’s Sex Addiction: Explanation or Excuse? 5 Common Traits

5.  Sexual Recovery Institute Blog

6.  From The New York Times: When Your Partner is a Sex Addict

There are many parts of MTTA:

Married to the Army (where you are now)

Army Shirts & Gifts

Military Name Bracelets

Army Wife Blog

Army Wife Chat

Ask an Army Spouse

Living the Army Life (coming soon!)

You can also connect with me here:

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Twitter (@marriedtoarmy)

1.  From Penelope Trunk: “Volkswagen Super Bowl ad is an anthem to Gen X”:

“This makes me happy to be part of Generation X. First of all, this is the small window of time when Generation X will have the largest buying power in the consumer market. We are at our highest earning power, which, admittedly, is not impressive, but earnings are all relative, and people are discriminating against the Baby Boomers because of their age, so it’s our heyday.”

“It’s also our heyday because Gen X values are front and center. And we’re about family. We don’t earn as much as Baby Boomers did because we work such fewer hours. We’ve downsized our careers to take care of our kids.  We’ve taken back the dignity of working part-time. We’ve deconstructed stay-at-home parenting as a respectful career alternative.”

“So I love this commercial because it captures the shared experience of Generation X. We like being home to make our kids peanut butter and jelly. You could not sell Baby Boomers with this. They think it’s lame to sit in a kitchen waiting for your kid to be hungry. We like having a male breadwinner and we’re not afraid to say it.”

“And we are surrounded by little boys in love with Star Wars.”

2.   From Carolyn Rubenstein: “Confronting Fear: A Super Simple Technique”:

“When something feels bigger than you, it’s easy to walk away and say fear interfered. And you’ll be right. It did interfere. But is it the fear of the scary or the fear of the scary good that you are letting rock your boat? (key word: letting)”

“Oftentimes, when we face what we’re resisting, we find that it’s actually the good stuff that scares us far more than the truly scary stuff.”

“I experience fear every single day. But it’s this fear that when unraveled leads to strength and growing confidence.”

“When I feel paralyzed by fear, I do the following exercise. And it works every single time.”

“Think of something beyond your comfort zone. Now turn that thought into a concrete, very doable action.”

“For example:
… send one-sentence email to person x (person x = this person feels big + scary in your mind and you find it hard to justify why person x would want to receive an email from you)

… write down the phone number for that doctor’s appointment you’ve been putting off

… print an image related to a goal or dream and post it where you will see it A LOT

… open the envelope (you don’t have to look at what’s inside, just take the first action and open it)”.

3.  From Joe Barcello: “Gen X and Middle Aged”:

“I have hair in my ears. This shocks and appalls me. I also can’t touch my toes anymore and I have an arthritic thumb that can predict rainfall. How did this happen? I have the brain of a teenager but the body of well…my Dad. Actually I’m a little fatter than him now.”

“What kind of time warp was I in that I now find myself middle aged? Proper middle aged by the way. I’m 38. I find few things more annoying than a 64 year old Baby Boomer claiming to be “middle aged.” Really? Hey Pops do you plan on living to 128? I don’t so. I don’t care how much fish oil you take and what kind of erectile dysfunction medication you’re on. In my eyes you have one foot in the grave. Better make the best of your final 20 years (if you’re lucky). All I ask is that you embrace the fact that you want that Porsche to compensate for your baldness and not because of some stage of life you’re going through.”

“I guess in my mind I thought I’d be more evolved by now. Somehow more “grown up.” Sure I like some classical music and I can formulate an opinion on the corporate bailouts and the Social Security crisis. But I also still play video games and listen to old school rap. Does that make me interesting or conflicted? I’m not sure. For now I’ll just keep plucking ear hairs and playing Rock Band on the Wii with my kids.”

Photo Credit.

We don’t want to feel helpless, so we use fear, anger, addiction, or unbridled sexuality to block out our helpless feelings. The fact is that if we cannot openly face our feeling of helplessness, we cannot receive help. It is important that we accept our helplessness, taking it to God and allowing Him to be strong where we are weak. When we let Him be God, we receive continuous healing for our woundedness. But when we hide our pain, helplessness, and insecurity, we find ourselves at the mercy of our narcissistic, wounded false self with its insatiable craving for validation and anesthesia. David F. Allen, Shattering the Gods Withi

1. Journey of recovery…search for serenity: “Unconditional Love…”:

“H came for a visit. To protect her privacy I am not going into the details of her life at this point…I will say she is living in a complicated and complex situation. It is not what I planned for her, not what I envisioned… BUT, we had a great visit. lol”

“I think the reason for the good visit was that we both are able to, at this point, for today, meet each other where we are at with no expectations that we will change the other or win them over to our way of thinking. Once I was able to lay down my idea of how she *should* live her life and I could make my way toward a faith filled position of trusting my Higher Power to hang onto her and keep her in His palm, of acceptance of what is, I was able to see my girl again. Really see her. Ours lives simply are what they are.”

“I got really lost in her addiction. In the idea that one of *my* kids is an addict. I was shocked for a long time…years. I would ask myself, “How did we get here?” When I looked at her all I saw was “my daughter the addict.”  It was like I had to look long and hard at the outcome of her young life…some weird form of facing my deepest fear. In doing that though, I lost sight of the little girl that I raised. I was so focused on seeing what was or is, that I forgot about the good stuff, the dry sense of humor that would unexpectedly crack us all up. Or the wise insights she would share even as a little girl that would leave us all shaking our heads and wondering how she got so smart.”

“As I have fearfully and timidly taken steps toward letting go of her and letting her choices be her’s along with the consequences of those choices, as I have watched her navigate her life on her terms….I have begun to see her again. To really see her, as an autonomous being…not an extension of myself. To hear her voice. To see her worth. I knew those things were there….but it was always with the exception of “when she is clean and sober, or when she is in recovery. The truth of the matter is that whether those things are taking place or not, she is still beautiful both inside and out, she still holds all the worth of any other human being.”

2.   An Addict in our Son’s Bedroom: “Cautious Update”

“I am not a superstitious person but I almost hate to talk about how he is doing in fear of jinxing his progress. He has a job, don’t know how long it will last it is dependent upon the company’s production and orders. He spoke to his mom and I when we got home about budgeting, he brought up the subject. He has formulated a budget for his check, ON PAPER.”

“He ask us about going back to school. He has become aware both of his sisters are in school, his girlfriend is in school to become a nurse and 3 out of 4 first cousins are working on their BA or MA. He said to us,”Everyone is moving forward and leaving me behind, I don’t want to be left behind. What would it take for me to go back to school.” Our response was, “Son, if you want it bad enough you will figure that out and make it happen.”

“We have been taking him and his girlfriend out to dinner with us on Friday Date Night. It is really great to actually have conversations with him and her. We have noticed there is a sharpness in his wit returning and his voice does not have the druggie sound, you all know that that sound. He seems to enjoy being around family now. Mom and dad know it may take a little while before some in the family accepts him and we reminded him that it takes the two “P’s”, patience and persistence.”

3. Loving an Addict: Don’t Give Up Hope

“I felt compelled to write tonight, while crying. Maybe it is because the Stand Up 2 Cancer Show is on and it is touching my heart, but the tears are more likely tears of joy and relief. I just spoke to Bryan.”

“It was a wonderful call. We talked about how well he is doing and feeling. He talked about the fact that one-year clean is coming up soon (October 29) and he is excited about the thought of being off drugs for a year! We talked about the upcoming holidays and how we can get together and what my family is planning and he sounded excited that we are making a plan to be with him.”

“I know the day in and day out feelings that include:
1. What drama will my addict bring to my life today;
2. Will he survive another day;
3. Will he be arrested and if so, will I actually be relieved;
4. What has he stolen; will he ever take responsibility for his life;
5. What did I do wrong as a Mom;
6. Is it my fault?
7. Will we ever get our life back?”

“Regardless of what you are feeling tonight (and some of the above are simply not right…but we feel these things anyway (like 5 & 6 especially), don’t give up Hope! Please Please Please don’t give up Hope!”

“I’m crying tonight, because of the amazing joy I feel about my son and his life choices, a mere 10 months after his near death experience. Don’t give up Hope, because your son or daughter can get here to. Don’t give up hope, especially for yourself because you can feel better about your life, your family, and your beliefs regardless of what happens with your addict.”

“Don’t give up HOPE!”

Lorikeet in flight by aussiegall

I live in a community of over 800 homes which was an over 55 park and has been changed to allow younger residents. I’m glad because I think a mix of young and older is good for everyone. A year ago, I created a blog about blogging named Coral Cay Blogs. I have a need for income and was disappointed to not have anyone much interested in blogging.

I have a need for income this year that is more urgent as I am being divorced at age 68 with only Social Security as income. I know that would terrify many people but I gave my life to the God of my understanding over 32 years ago. So I know that He has a plan for me. I also know that it will be in service to others. And I know that I give in because I have a need to help others. He always supplies my needs and sometimes He gives me what I want also.

I have a burning desire to help others. But I know that they have to find me. If I go looking, I may be getting more than I bargain for. So I create and work everyday toward being able to help someone either with stress relief, relaxation techniques, addiction recovery, or with blogging.

I love all these topics. From my main blog, kathyberman.com, I have created 5 other blogs. So I don’t want to start another blog. Instead I’m combining all the topics in this blog. I will be writing about writing in order to encourage others to begin. The beautiful thing about a blog is that it can be anything you want it to be.

Please tell your friends about Coral Cay Blogs. it will be easy to follow and be meant as a place where new bloggers can get ideas.

Write. by karindalziel

The Wall Street Journal reports that America’s newest profession is blogging for hire. Mark Penn reports that there are more people making a living from blogging in the United States than there are lawyers or computer programmers or firefighters. He writes that in a nation of over 20,000,000 bloggers, we have 452,000 people using blogging as his/her primary source of income.

Basics from this article about bloggers: “Demographically, bloggers are extremely well educated: three out of every four are college graduates. Most are white males reporting above-average incomes. One out of three young people reports blogging, but bloggers who do it for a living successfully are 2% of bloggers overall. It takes about 100,000 unique visitors a month to generate an income of $75,000 a year. Bloggers can get $75 to $200 for a good post, and some even serve as “spokesbloggers” — paid by advertisers to blog about products. As a job with zero commuting, blogging could be one of the most environmentally friendly jobs around — but it can also be quite profitable. For sites at the top, the returns can be substantial. At some point the value of the Huffington Post will no doubt pass the value of the Washington Post.”

Angela Booth recommends blogging to begin a freelance writing career because you must establish your credentials. The most important credential a blogger or freelance writer can have are numerous mentions in Google under your name. After you have made a name for yourself, you will receive offers of free lance writing jobs.

How do you learn about blog writing? Ask Anne the Pro Writer

Freelance Writing–an Excellent Career Opportunity Includes several benefits for being a freelance writer: it is completely flexible, you choose your income amount, and you get to learn “on the Job”.

Michelle writes about what the well-dressed blog post contains. She recommends posts that have good writing, are heavy on context, with a clever headline, using visuals, including links to good blog posts, with keywords and tags, and having been given some promotion.

More blogging tips are given at: 5 ways to blog every day without freaking out.

Before beginning to blog, Angela Booth recommends that you: (1) set a focus for your blog, (2) build an audience with your enthusiasm, and (3) set goals and blog every day.

I have decided to use each of my 6 blogs to catalog relating links for the following main categories. Each post will be about a specific aspect of each of the following categories:

(1)  Changemaker: Reinventing Yourself— Link lists for spiritual/religion/spiritual practices

(2)  Answers By Email: Changemaker Personality Test—Link lists for finding your passion/career/work/employment

(3)  Changemaker Groups—Link lists for social networks/facebook/twitter/myspace

(4)  Changemaker Library—Link lists for social issues/causes

(5)  Healing for You–Link lists for lifestyle choices/voluntary simplicity/sustainable living/homeschooling

(6)  High Energy Goals—Link lists for health/wellness/fitness/food/diet/exercise

I am beginning this new adventure of being a blog indexer today, Jan. 19, 2009. I hope that my service may be an aid to your life online.

Previously that day I found the  puppy cam site about the shiba inu puppies that 3-4 million people watch daily and downloaded it to my PC. I minimized it and promptly forgot about it. I use my PC infrequently throughout the day as I get carpal tunnel in the craziest places because I use a computer 8-12 hours most days. My laptop I use on a portable, adjustable table. The adjustable table is great plus I got a new comfortable chair. The table, the chair, and my handy carpal tunnel brace make carpal tunnel disappear.

But back to the puppies—in the middle of the night, I awoke to some animals in our house. But I couldn’t locate them. Lou got up and went outside and said that they were in the wall. But we don’t have real walls in these homes. I thought they were down in the heat vents. But I still couldn’t find them. So I decided to come out with a flashlight and “trap” them. When I came out to the kitchen with a flashlight, I noticed the light from my computer speakers. It was the puppies—apparently; they love to play at night.

In finding sites like the puppy cam, many of the blogs I read daily for writing ideas have a RSS link—that little orange button you see everywhere. With RSS, I can keep a check on all the blogs I like and only have to read 5 headlines from each to see if I am interested or not.

The 2 RSS readers I use are Google Reader (the most popular) and Pageflakes. I am so obsessive I use two so that I can skim Pageflakes when I like and read Google reader closer daily. I follow about 100 blogs—many of the more prolilic bloggers follow 500-600 daily. But many of the the large blogs also have 5-10 writers to cover a wider field of daily information.

The following list are places you may look for new blogs. Never forget to check the blogs listed on the blogs that you like.

1. Google Blog Search–returns links from machine-made blogs sometimes which is disheartening when they ban bloggers for the same practice.

2.  About.com has a blog search engine page that lists several search engines for blogs.

3.  Webcrawler has links to find blogs. This link page also has good articles for the blog newcomer.

4.  Resource Shelf has links for finding blogs by location.

5.  Blog Catalog lists itself as the blogger social network but also has a good directory. It also has a “rate my blog design” until Jan. 9, 2009.

6.  I use delicious a lot and it has a blog that has a lot of tips for using delicious on your cellphone if you are going mobile. Here is my delicious tags/bookmark list.

“Calling it depression was a mistake from the beginning. What does that mean, exactly? Depression. My grandfather didn’t call it anything. He was just moody and lost his temper sometimes. When he was in “one of his moods” you stayed away from him. And when he got one of his “sick headaches,” he just endured it.”

“My mother never called it anything either. She had sick headaches too, and would go to bed with them. Sometimes her face would be slack and show no emotion. You sometimes saw that in photographs. Then she started slowly pulling away from everyone. At holidays you would see her in another room sitting quietly on the couch. If you went in there she would try her best to engage you and be a good mother. She would ask questions and talk to you, but you could tell she wanted to be alone so badly that it made her jittery.”

In the same article,”Call It Depression“, he talks about what happened to him when he didn’t have his medicine:

“Last week, as my Wellbutrin dwindled, I waited to see if I would feel a sudden mood drop. I did not. What happened was a gradual loss of interest and emotion. As I think about it now, I wonder if what I experience with depression is something like the experience of a psychopath. I can’t love anyone. I can’t feel any love for another person. It’s like someone removed that part of my brain.”

“This is a marker for me: When my depression has gotten me into a bad place, I don’t want to be around my children. I don’t want them touching me. I don’t want anyone touching me. I don’t want to look people in the eyes. Any kind of social interaction causes levels of discomfort you might expect if you were asked to walk into a ballroom in your underwear and start talking to people. You don’t want to be there. If forced to go into the ballroom in your underwear and talk to people, you can do it. But you hate it, and you can’t wait for it to end so you can just go home.”

“It’s kind of like that, only there is no good reason for me to isolate myself. I’m not being asked to go to a ballroom in my underwear. My daughter just wants to hug me and sit close to me on the couch. The people at church just want to talk. Normal stuff. “

Some other links I’ve enjoyed: A Listening Prayer

I Need Some Help Scoring Some Drugs–Seriously In this article, Gordon writes about his struggles to get insurance due to being on anti-depressants and the high cost (almost $500.00 monthly just for his medication. In the posts to this article, the following suggestions wear given as solutions to buying online:

I work in the medical field as well and occasionally point people to wal-mart’s $4 generic prescription program. Here is the link…Walmart Free Home Delivery.

I feel your pain with the insurance issues. The ins. companies really do hold all the cards. If you have a good experience with a company in Canada would you mind letting us know? Thanks..

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Fri, 04/04/2008 – 09:36. Am also prescribed Welbutrin and using a generic, (Budeprion XL 300mg) purchased at Walgreens for $92.13 per 30 days. Haven’t seemed to have any issues with the generic. Did check out the “generic” $ 4.00 or 5.00 lists at HEB, Walgreens and Walmart and this isn’t one of the “listed” drugs. Hardly anything currently used is, BTW. Hope this is some help.

Submitted by The Red Katt (not verified) on Fri, 04/04/2008 – 18:08. Two sites I recommend highly — MedCenterCanada.com, and InHousePharmacy.com

Submitted by enzgrrl (not verified) on Fri, 04/04/2008 – 19:33. Gordon,
1)I take a generic for welbutrin and have an excess (I took 1/day for a long time while filling a Rx for 2/day). Please get in touch with me if you think the generic would be OK. Some federal laws should be bent. I have plain old bupropion 150, not extended release.
2)If you have no insurance, you can apply directly to the pharma companies for free meds. My in-laws do this because they are not insurable (diabetes, fibromyalgia, glaucoma,arthritis, depression, gout, cancer and poverty). You have to do it for each company whose meds you need, but it’s worth the trouble!