Category Archives: Blogs

“When the family energy is focused on the problem of the adult rather than on the needs of the children, the results for the children are the state of not knowing they come first, the state of believing that they have to fix the situation, and the state of believing that life is about surviving instead of enjoying and that the meaning of life is to get through the struggle of life.”                           Cathleen Brooks

1.  Child Abuse Survivors: “Powerlessness”

I’ve been thinking quite a bit about this subject of late. I won’t get into any of the details of why, but suffice it to say, I’ve had a number of conversations and seen stories of people who find themselves in situations, as adults, that from the outside seem easily changeable, yet they don’t do anything to try and change things.

I’m sure you’ve all seen similar stories, whether it be the abused wife who won’t leave, the disgruntled employee who never looks for another job, or the kid who gets bullied even into adulthood. I’ve always considered these situations to be a product of fear, afraid of what worse things might happen as opposed to the hell you know and live with. Lately, however, I’m beginning to wonder if there isn’t something deeper behind that fear, especially when it comes to survivors of child abuse. What I see when I dig into that fear motivation, is powerlessness.

Yes, there’s fear of the unknown in changing all of those situations I listed, and many more specific situations that I know we can all relate to, but a big part of that fear seems to come from not having any sense that we actually have the power to say no, or to remove ourselves from a situation. As children, of course, we were taught exactly that. All the while I was being abused as a child, I didn’t have the power to say no, or to remove myself. It was taken away from me, and even now, as an adult, I recognize that there are times I look at circumstances that I could change, but fall right back into feeling like I don’t have the power to do so.

2.  Writing: Overcoming Damaging Effects of Child Abuse and Rape:

Ignored

Being ignored is the cruelest way to make a point……to flaunt control…..to wield power. Not acknowledging a person can create a hurt so deep – it’s the harshest thing someone can do to another…especially if that person claims to care.
My father used to ignore me….refusing to talk or  acknowledge my presence. His silence would go on for days…sometimes weeks… shutting me out of his world….closing the door….denying me access to him. He wanted to teach me a lesson….that he was right….I was wrong…he was good….I was bad.  It was his way to force me to do whatever he wanted.
He had hurt me many times with his words and his fists – yet to be locked out of his world tore at me. It made me crazy…and desperate to make things right. I ended up doing whatever he wanted….anything just to have him acknowledge me again.

Ever since I could think, he taught me  ‘that without him…I was nothing’  and even though he beat me…called me awful names…broke my spirit – I believed I needed him to live…to breathe…to exist. I needed him to survive.

Something has changed since I wrote my story…and told the truth of what happened. Writing…voicing what I had never been able to say….changed something in me. It gave me an inner strength…a courage I didn’t have before. I’m not afraid anymore and I’m not a child.

3.  Blooming Lotus: “Need for Therapy in Early Stages of Healing From Child Abuse”

Child abuse survivors need therapy. Period. It does not matter if the abuse happened one time or was ongoing throughout your childhood. Healing from child abuse is extremely difficult, and you need a qualified therapist to help you through it.

I was determined not to enter into therapy when I first started having flashbacks about the child abuse. I was in the process of trying to adopt a child, and I feared that I would be “disqualified” if I was in therapy because I would be seen as “crazy.” (As it turns out, therapy is highly encouraged for hopeful adoptive parents and will not be held against you. You just need to have your therapist write a letter stating that your reason for seeking therapy will not negatively affect your ability to parent a child.)

I decided that I was going to do the healing work myself. The problem was that every resource I turned to began with, “Find a good therapist.” There is a very good reason for this advice …you need to work with a qualified therapist with experience working with people who have been abused because trying to do it yourself is simply too hard. If it was possible to heal through sheer force of will, then I would have done it.

If you try to heal from the child abuse yourself, you will find yourself in over your head. When you first come to terms with the reality that you were abused, you will go through a “breakthrough crisis.” For me, this felt like a pressure cooker of emotions had the lid blown off of it, and my emotions had exploded all over me. For six weeks, I truly did not know from minute to minute if I was going to survive it. Nevertheless, I was hell-bent on healing myself. I changed my mind after finding myself lying on the floor, shaking, crying, hyperventilating, and trying to decide on the best way to commit suicide. At this point, I realized that anything would be better than this and decided to enter therapy.

Photo credit.

By FnJBnN

“In our lives we are faced with a set of core issues that resurface again and again in different settings/ with different people, at different times.  These issues involve our relation­ship with the world, with ourselves, with our Higher Power. These are our life lessons.

Stephanie Covington and Liana Beckett

1.  Jane Dough:  “betrayal & honesty”:

“Many texts on sex addiction & codependency espouse that sex addicts have relationships to get sex and codependents have sex to get relationships. It’s just been lately that I’ve been able to identify with that.”

“In each scenario, someone is (a) giving something they don’t want to give (b) in an inarticulated bargain (c) for something outside of themselves (d) that they think will make them happy/whole/complete. Men (most often strong on the addict side) and women (most often strong on the codependent side) may have different things they unhappily give away/ attempt to covertly acquire, but the SYSTEM is the same.”

“Example 1: This is in direct contrast to, for example, purchasing a Pepsi at a convenience store. The price tag says $1. The exchange is clear & direct. I don’t just stick $1 in the tip cup, silently hoping I’ll be handed a Pepsi and then grumble if I’m not. I also don’t pressure the cashier to toss in a candy bar for free. Likewise, the clerk doesn’t then jack up the price once I’m holding the beverage in my hot little hand. It is an honest transaction.”

“Example 2: That dysfunctional, unclear, expectation-filled system is also markedly contrasted by 2 friends seeing a show together that they both want to see, with someone they like to do that activity with, in a price range they can afford, at a time & location that is convenient, and in a relationship which has no unspoken grudges. (*Poof* goes the resentment factor, “bye-bye” drama triangle.)”

“I’m learning to practice newer, stricter, deeper levels of emotional honesty. This is directly linked with an increased ability to create safety. That is an outgrowth of crediting and prioritizing the messages of my gut/intuition. None of which can happen without some sense that “I am OK” and “Having needs is OK.”

“It’s a subtle change that revolutionizes everything: like a few drops of very hot sauce altering the entire dish.”

2.   From Woman Anonymous7: “How Far I’ve Come”:

“Last night I was looking at some phrases I’ve kept on a piece of paper beside the bed to remind me about what I’ve learned from discovering Husband’s sex addiction.”

1. I can find peace and freedom in surrender and gratitude
2. I’m powerless. Just admit it and surrender (over and over and over again)
3. One day at a time.
4. My most important relationship is with my higher power, which I am an expression of
5. My most important actions are to use my life and my abilities to be of service as an expression of love, compassion and non-duality, and to celebrate everything I have.
6. If I listen for it I will always hear the voice of higher power.
7. Pain, fear and all kinds of adversity are opportunity. I can allow both the good and the bad to be gifts.
8. What am I resisting?
9. I can always choose the most empowering context.
10. Surrendering to the moment at hand is usually the most powerful response.
11. Have fun!
12. If I forget all of this, remembering is the next part of my journey

“As I looked at that list, I realized how much of this has become who I am. I don’t need this piece of paper as much as I used to, because much of what I’ve learned has become fundamentally integrated into my approach to the world.”

“It made me happy to realize that I’ve really grown and changed in some very potent ways.”

“I’m proud of myself, because it wasn’t an easy road, and it could have gone many different ways.”

Some good links about sexual addiction:

3.  Sexual Addiction–Breaking It Down offers Christ-centered support for men and women seeking recovery from lust and compulsive sexual behaviors.

4.  The five common traits of sex addicts: unloved–untouchable–dissatisfied–self-deception– and secretive from Barb Rogers’s Sex Addiction: Explanation or Excuse? 5 Common Traits

5.  Sexual Recovery Institute Blog

6.  From The New York Times: When Your Partner is a Sex Addict