Category Archives: ACOA
Personal Stories From a High Bottom Drunk: A Novel About Addiction
High Bottom Drunk is a novel that “provides a remarkable bottom line, gut level understanding of alcohol abuse, alcoholism, drug abuse, drug addiction, and codependence.” This novel was written by Charles Roper and is available here.
Some of the personal stories from the website:
I Almost Choked to Death on My Own Vomit
Tim R., Longview, Texas
It takes what it takes.
Something to Live For
Carl A., San Antonio, Texas
Even cold hearts can find warmth.
Sober Since Seventeen
Jan P., Little Rock, Arkansas
You don’t have to be old and ugly to find recovery.
I Drank With the Best of Them
Barbara T., Charlotte, NC
You don’t have to be a big redneck man to drink like one.
You Can Get Off on Any Floor &
Tilex Changed My Life
Vicki M., Daphne, AL
“Accidental” sobriety brings self-awareness and serenity. In this case, Tilex was no ordinary bathtub cleaner.
Sober, Happy, and Free
Rick S.
When you’re no longer afraid to die.
Let Go and Let God
Klara R., Tylertown, MS
God takes care of me when I get out of the way.
A Brother’s Love
Joey (Anonymous)
Short and sweet.
Holiday Seasons are Hard for Adult Children With Painful Holiday Memories
Everyone who is or has been a part of a 12 step program knows that the Thanksgiving/Christmas holiday season is stressful for those of us who grew up in dysfunctional homes. A great way to deal with the drama of revisiting childhood memories and her families is to go to several 12 step meetings daily. Another way is to learn how others deal with the season’s emotions.
1. From Susan Kingsley-Smith writing on A Journey: “I Had to Get Real About the Holidays That Were Not Often Happy and some Tips to Deal When You’d Rather Not”:
For years I’d tried to figure out how to survive the holidays with my dysfunctional family. In the end I realized that it wasn’t about surviving but learning how to live beyond it by creating a new tradition – for myself.
Holidays are one of those things that I did for years even though they were nevernot often anything to celebrate. My body would tell me it was that time of year again as my muscles tensed, I would start to shut down and be unable to function. I’d start feeling irritable, lashing out at those around me. Many days I’d not be able to get out of bed as the days on the calendar slipped from summer to fall and finally Halloween marked the beginning of the worst time of year for me.
I slipped further and further down as I knew what was waiting for me at our “family” get togethers. Finally I made a choice for myself to not go.
It was hard. But for me the only option as my family refused to respect my new boundaries and continued to shame me, make me the brunt of their jokes and cruelty. They would often tell me that I deserved to feel bad because I was such a worthless person and had not met their expectations, that I was the cause of their anger at me and if I was just somehow “different” – then they wouldn’t be mad and would love me.
I was constantly reminded that I was not “enough” and could never be “enough” to win their acceptance and love. I was often reminded throughout the year that I was not good enough for them to want a relationship with me. That I should be grateful they even spoke to me at all.
So for me – as over the years I noticed this same pattern in my life and my dread for what the world touted as a happy time – I decided to create some new traditions for myself. I started declining invitations to these family get togethers.
I didn’t explain myself to them because that gave them power to again question my decisions and tell me something was wrong with me for not wanting to spend the holidays with them. And in the end they did that anyway – but I no longer felt the obligation to apologize and try to fix it.
This year will be my second year of my new Thanksgiving tradition where I volunteer at a local charity.
And I don’t want to leave you with the impression that making this decision for myself came easily – or quickly.
It in fact came at a very high price as I realized that there was absolutely nothing I could do to be good enough.
2. From Broken Brain-Brilliant Mind: “Where I get lost”:
So, despite starting the day feeling really good, I went to bed last night in a very emotional state. And I woke up this morning feeling just as emotional. What a change, from how I felt yesterday morning. It’s like something caught up with me, and it’s taking me down.
I think it’s the Thanksgiving time that kicks off the holiday season, which gets to me. All of a sudden, I have more to do, and less time to do it. I have things I have to finish before year-end, and at the same time, I have family and friends who all want to get together and do things. Meanwhile, I just want to crawl under a rock. I want to withdraw and remove myself from any and all interaction with others… just put my head down and work my way through the end of the year. I want my life to be simple, at a time when complication is the order of the day.
And the harder I try, the worse I seem to do. And I get lost. Very quickly. In the space of 12 hours, I can go from calm and collected, to a blubbering wreck who can’t stand thinking about yet another day of the usual screw-ups and confusions and try-agains and perpetual wondering if I really “got” what someone was saying to me, or if I really remembered what I was supposed to keep in my head. It can be very disconcerting, and I hate what happens to me, when it gets the better of me.
So, I have to track all this. Thinking about how things have been going for me — or not going for me — my pattern-seeking brain can see the places where stuff falls apart:
- When I am overly fatigued
- When I am stressed
- When I am over-thinking things
- When I am reacting, instead of being pro-active
- When I am isolated
- When I am feeling threatened
All these seem to come to a head during the holidays, and I really don’t want them to get the better of me. So, I’m taking a closer look at my life, and I’ve found some places where I think I have answers about what happens — and why. I think I know where I get lost.
ACA Updated Definitions of the Roles We Chose in Our Birth Family
The following is an update on family roles from ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics). I call ACA Adult Children because that covers most of us. Most of us have experienced some dysfunction in our family of origin.
The reprint begins with:
“Some of the personality types are:”
FAMILY HERO – An achiever, usually (but not always) the oldest child. Often a workaholic who can identify other’.4 needs and meet them, but is without an understanding of their own needs. This is often a child who uses their success to find a sense of belonging — the one who shows the family is “all right,” but who is unable to feel the benefit of his/her achievements. They feel like a fraud and are subject to depressions which they hide from those around them.
THE RESCUER – Similar to the Family Hero, -but without the visible success. The Rescuer finds those in needs, lets them move in or marries them or finds a job for them while supply other needs and is very understanding of the frequent betrayals. The rescuer has a deep seated self-hate that drives them to their role as a savior, because they know that anyone not already at the bottom of the barrel would have nothing to do with them. They tend to feel inadequate in their giving and unable to accept help for their own needs.
THE MASCOT – Often a younger child who uses humor or other distracting behavior, such as being exceptional clumsy or always in trouble, to take the focus of the family away from the problems of the family dysfunction. If the parent is violently drunk, the Mascot may take the abuse to “save” the rest of the family, or may be able to crack a joke at the necessary moment to take everyone’s mind off the pain of their reality.
THE ADJUSTER – The one who is never bothered by what is happening; there is no reason to be excited because everyone had to lie with family problems. The child never becomes too attached to goal or a desire because they have learned to change their direction at any moment. They float, knowing something is wrong but coping, often successfully, with one chaotic situation after another by surrendering their identity to the needs of the moment.
THE DOORMAT – The abused child who survives by lying down and letting others walk all over him/her, rather than risk an unpleasant or dangerous confrontation. This child is very understanding of the need someone else may have to injure him/her, but cannot identify his/her feelings about the abuse in the past or present.
THE ACTING OUT CHILD or THE REBEL – This child is in action at the slightest provocation, whether as an heroic action to prevent abuse to someone else (by distracting the abuser) or to protect himself/herself with wildness. This is the child who is most visible to the outside world and who may adopt alcoholism, drug addiction or other compulsive behavior early in defiance of the family system.
THE SCAPEGOAT or FAMILY JERK – This child takes the blame and shame for the actions of other family members by being the most visibly dysfunctional. This child serves the family by being sick or crazy to allow the other members of the family to ignore their own dysfunction. This is also the child who holds the family together — the family rallies to help the family jerk. He/She learns to remain dysfunctional to continue receiving the little attention available in a dysfunctional home by making the family “okay” by being the focus of all that is “not okay” which all members of the family vaguely sense.
THE BULLY – This child is usually the victim of physical, sexual and/or emotional abuse, who successfully makes the mental transition to stop being the victim by victimizing others. Often the Bully is genuinely remorseful for the pain and suffering caused to others, but will continue inflicting that abuse rather than face his/her own pain.
THE LOST CHILD – Often a younger (or the youngest) child, this personality type has learned to stay out of the way, not make his/her wants known and to expect nothing. They avoid feeling by denying that they have feelings. They adopt whatever behavior will allow them to stay invisible within the family, at work, at school or in a relationship. This is the child who can assume whatever personality those around him/her find least threatening.
THE LAST HOPE – Similar to the Lost Child, the Last Hope is the caretaker for the family when all other members have become unable to continue their roles. Often the Last Child is raised on comments like “You’ll never hurt me like so-and-so.” These children may work themselves to death trying to do “what’s right” for blood relations or adopted families, no matter what the expense to their own life.
Each of the personality types has special needs in Recovery, and each type can recover if they are willing to take the risk in believing they can change and heal.
Because the personalities of the family are mangled, the character traits of the children can be equally blurred. An Adult Child may have several of the above characteristics at one time, or may play a different role within the family at different times or depending on who they are responding to.
THE GOOD NEWS
After reading this far, you may question if any Recovery is possible.
The answer is a resounding YES. The ACA Central Service Board and Interim World Service organization issues a form of “The Solution” as an offering of shared experience, strength and hope in the experience of Recovery —
“The Solution”
The Solution is to become your own loving parent.
As ACA becomes a safe place for you, you will find the freedom to express all the hurts and fears you have kept inside and to free yourself from the shame and blame that are carryovers from the past. You will become an adult who is imprisoned no longer by childhood reactions. You will recovery the child within you, learning to accept and love yourself.
The healing begins when we risk moving out of isolation.
Feelings and buried memories will return. By gradually releasing the burden of unexpressed grief, we slowly move out of the past. We learn to reparent ourselves with gentleness, humor, love and respect.
This process allows us to see our biological parents as the instruments of our existence. Our actual parent is a Higher Power whom some of us choose to call God. Although we had alcoholic parents, our Higher (don’t know where the rest of this is—will research at later date.)
(The above information is from the ACA World Service Organization. This information was copied in 2005. Be sure to visit this site as this is where the amazing book, the Red Book, can be purchased).
(My added information for family roles is below.)
I am pleased with what God has given me. Now that I am divorced, I feel this great surge of energy to receive the bounty that God has planned for me and all those that I love. I have had really remarkable people come into my life this year. I want to create enough business for the people that I love to be able to work together in spreading God’s love everywhere we go.
As some of you know, ACA used to be ACOA. When I found ACOA years ago, I truly felt home in a way I never had felt home in AA. I was drinking a six-pack of beer on Fri and Sat night when I quit drinking. I was fortunate enough to see my father’s progression and to know that that would happen to me, too.
I finally see myself in the Rescuer. I have a hard time asking for anything. I know now that I am in my addiction when I just want to keep giving and giving and hiding from my own needs.
