Three things happened that helped me to see my alcoholism. The first was that my father (who was a periodic alcoholic) had long periods of being dry. Yet when he returned to drinking, he was always in worse shape.

One night, he had a really bad night from drinking and I stayed up to try to help him. I now know that he was having the DTs. The next day, I knew that I never wanted to go through what he had.

The second thing happened when Jonathan Winters was on Johnny Carson’s show. Jonathan had quit drinking. Johnny insisted that Jonathan could have a little wine on Thanksgiving. Jonathan said, “No. You don’t understand. I’d have a little wine and then a little scotch, and suddenly it’s Tuesday.”

The third experience was one fall day, my husband and I had taken our daughter to a park. The two of them were having a great time on the swings. I was miserable–it was too hot for me–I was tired–We had been there too long–I was thirsty. Suddenly, I looked at them and realized that they had something that I didn’t have. I didn’t know what it was–but I wanted it.

Finally, on thanksgiving Day, 1976, I broke down and told my family that I believed I was an alcoholic. My mother cried and  said,”O, honey, I’ve been afraid of that.” I went to AA the next day.

How did you know?

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The focus for my recovery took a profound change in direction when I discovered ACOA. I have never “forgot” that I am first and foremost an alcoholic and am deeply grateful to be in recovery. Nor have I ever considered myself as recovered. Why change something that works for me? But ACOA gave me permission to not only feel my feelings but also to talk about them.

ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) has gone through several name changes. In 1977, (one year after the beginning of my recovery in 1976), a group of Al-Anon members realized that they were all children of alcoholics. In later years, ACOA became ACA and/or COA.

Up until 1983, any Al-Anon meeting I attended was to help heal that child inside me who grew up in a very troubled family. But when I shared at Al-Anon meetings about my alcoholism, I felt a subtle change in the group of some members feeling that I didn’t belong in an Al-Anon meeting.

In ACOA or ACA meetings, I immediately knew that I belonged because they talked about feelings. I continued to be completely committed to my recovery with AA groups. But the AA groups were male-dominated groups whose members seemed to be proud of how far they had fallen to their bottoms. So I started attending ACOA and Codependents Anonymous as well as AA.I probably didn’t win any friends by reminding everyone in AA that you don’t have to be hit by a train to hear the whistle blowing.

Some links for your recovery journey:

From Syd--one of my favorite bloggers: “If you attend an open AA meeting”:

“I have attended open AA meetings since I began Al-Anon.  I was encouraged to go to open meetings to hear the stories of alcoholics and to better understand the disease.  These open meetings remind me that hope never dies; that sobriety is possible; and that in many ways, we share the same fears. And every single speaker I hear says they wanted recovery for themselves, not because they were being nagged by a family member.”

“The two programs were closely allied in their origins and are naturally drawn together by their family ties. Yet the Twelve Traditions emphasize that each works more effectively if it remains separate. Thus, there can be no combining, joining, or uniting which would result in the loss of identity of either fellowship. Separateness rules out affiliation or merging, but it does not exclude cooperation with AA or acting together for mutual benefit.”

“Some of the open AA meetings I attend are speaker meetings where I get to hear someone’s “story” of what it was like, what happened and what it is like now.  The first open AA meeting I attended was a speaker meeting.  I was so moved by what I heard that I developed a great awe for the miracles that can occur in recovery.  I was moved in that meeting to tears.  There was no blaming of the family, just a focus on their recovery through the steps.  I realized then the power of those steps because if they could help someone who was in such dire circumstances with alcoholism, then they surely could help me.”

“When I go to open Big Book studies or open discussion meetings, I know to not share but say that I am a grateful member of Al-Anon who is there to listen.  I learned that at AA meetings, even open ones, it is only appropriate for alcoholics (or people there because of their own drinking problem) to share (unless specifically asked to be a speaker).  The primary purpose is for alcoholics to stay sober and help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety.  I can’t do that from my non-alcoholic perspective.  It would be equally inappropriate for an alcoholic who isn’t affected by someone else’s drinking to share at an Al-Anon meeting. Or for a friend, who is along to just lend moral support, to share.”

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When I got up and walked outside, everything was different—trees, cars, the street—I saw everything with new eyes. It took me much searching to find out what had happened to me. In a book by William James entitled The Varieties of Religious Experience (1902), I found that I had had a radical conversion.

Did I answer a calling? I don’t know what happened to me except I knew that God had given me that compassion and love that I felt that day. I know that someone with an experience is never at the mercy of someone with an argument.

From that day until today, I have tried to accept the guidance that God gives me and it has been the most amazing journey. I don’t believe that God does more for me now than He did before that day. The difference is that I now can see the daily miracles. “Once I was blind and now I see.”

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I had recreated in this recent marriage/divorce my childhood dynamics. I cast my husband as the bad, selfish daddy and I was the good, giving wife. The more we became these roles, the more miserable we both became. He acted out his misery by having an affair and leaving me. And I, thank God, went back to AA with my tail between my legs.

I found such an amazing home group that in about 50 members, we have over 500 years of sobriety. It is pretty hard to go off track with that kind of guidance. They, of course, love me in the unconditional love of souls who have received a second life. They love me because they love themselves.

I began exploring the connection between codependency and post traumatic stress disorder–PTSD. I was shocked while reading ‘The Last Tour”, an article in The New Yorker, to discover a paragraph that I completely identified with emotionally. “The Last Tour” is an article about Staff Sergeant Travis Twiggs who may have committed suicide by cop.

“Travis and Willard Twiggs were not in trouble with the law. Willard, thirty-eight, was a former maritime-logistics specialist in New Orleans. He had been working construction, intermittently, since Hurricane Katrina. Travis, thirty-six, was a Marine Corps staff sergeant stationed in Quantico, Virginia. He was a decorated combat veteran with one tour of duty in Afghanistan and four tours in Iraq. In January, 2008, he had created a minor stir by writing, in the Marine Corps Gazette, an article about his struggle with post-traumatic stress disorder.”

The paragraph that rocked me was:

“What is broken, what is lost, above all, with complex P.T.S.D. is social trust, according to Jonathan Shay, one of its most astute analysts. Wounded warriors come home and feel that they can trust no one—not even their spouses. Under the pressure of constant, violent, involuntary psychic contraction (terror, self-loathing) and expansion (rage, grandiosity, mania), character itself shrivels. With loyal, troubled, self-destructive Will, Travis may have felt that he had found the one person he could trust, who would stay beside him to the end.”

I finally understood my life of isolation. Although I have always worked and interacted with others, I had kept my emotional life very barren and devoid of a lot of close companions. I grew up in a family of two parents at continual war. My sisters and I had to choose sides. So sometimes I was on my mother’s “side” and sometimes I was on my father’s “side”. That experience that taught me that I could trust no one other than myself was when they joined sides to reject me. They had designated me the arbitrator and sometimes I had to be put in my place. I was the youngest parent.

So I began my study of PTSD, codependency, ACOA and core values.

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Anyone who writes online knows the burden of broken links. She spurred me on to redo the main list by posting each of the links throughout Feb. 2012. The posts will be from the past so don’t worry about the date and flow of the posts.

When I finish this, I will republish the list. Thank you, Linda. I love my readers. They let me know that I’m not publishing to a void.

The first topic is “Addiction Recovery“.

This post is from 8/10/2009.

Periodically, I have felt the need to retake the 12 steps of recovery. Because I seem to be stuck in one place and have been using procrastination for a long time now, I started asking for God’s help in identifying what character defects I needed to be willing to surrender.

The emotion I now know that has dominated my choices for over 15 years is guilt. Because I had a need to punish myself, I have kept my expectations very low of how much love I deserved to receive.

I have been in a large extended family so have been able to have my affection needs met by the wonderful children as well as my daughters-in-law. Since this is not the family I was born into, I have chosen to have little to no contact with anyone in the family during the duration of getting a divorce. I made this decision for two reasons: (1) I have too much respect for most of the family members to in any way make them uncomfortable with anything my husband and I decide in the divorce, and (2) it shuts off all communication except direct communication. I know this has been the best decision for me.

In order to have my emotional needs met, I have stepped up my AA meetings, groups and activities. I am presently looking for a good Al Anon meeting because my husband of the past 15 years is an active drinker. He probably drinks 5 out of 7 days. So communication with him has been filtered through a brain that thinks it is in control of the world. We call them “King Baby” in AA because their self-centered, arrogant and cowardly deeds impact and damage most relationships he/she has. Not exactly what I would call “direct communication”. We each have lawyers now so my messages can be filtered to him from someone else.

Step 6 of AA states that we become entirely ready to have our character defects removed. We can’t remove them—only God can. But He needs our willingness to complete the process because He gave us self-will. I am now completely ready to have all my imaged and projected guilt removed. I only want to feel guilt if I do something wrong in the present. The guilt helps me to remember to treat others as I want to be treated.

Two months ago when he left, he took my Rolodex so I have been scrabbling to try to get everything done that was in the Rolodex. He also took all my small frame picture collection. I have been creating that collection for over 30 years. Included in the pictures he took ware pictures of my grandmother as a young girl, pictures of me 20-25 years ago, pictures of my parents, my daughter’s wedding picture. I have carefully documented the growth of his family and have created many beautiful montages of everyone in the family. I had planned to give him many of them but he stole from me the opportunity to give him any. He just took them all. I have pictures of all he took so hope to be able to retrieve them in the settlement. These are choices made by someone arrogant enough to believe there will be no one stopping him.

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When I got up and walked outside, everything was different—trees, cars, the street—I saw everything with new eyes. It took me much searching to find out what had happened to me. In a book by William James entitled The Varieties of Religious Experience (1902), I found that I had had a radical conversion.

Did I answer a calling? I don’t know what happened to me except I knew that God had given me that compassion and love that I felt that day. I know that someone with an experience is never at the mercy of someone with an argument.

From that day until today, I have tried to accept the guidance that God gives me and it has been the most amazing journey. I don’t believe that God does more for me now than He did before that day. The difference is that I now can see the daily miracles.  “Once I was blind and now I see.”

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January, 2012  will be the beginning of my 35th year of experiencing being captured by the God of my understanding. The first year, I didn’t have any labels for it. If you are a mystic, you generally have to be told by someone else that you are a mystic and find out for yourself what that means. It was only after I read William James’s book, The Varieties of Religious Experience that I had a label of “radical conversion”. Soon after this, someone asked me if I knew what mysticism was and I was able to add another label. I am a Christian but have gained much insight from studying all religions and incorporating other practices into my spiritual experiences.

Mystics are found in all faiths and/or religions. Beginning the mystic journey, each pilgrim has an individual journey yet all will have some common ground with other mystics. For my 35th-year journey, I have let go of most of my earthly ties to family and friends. I felt an extreme urgency to experience and study my inner experience. So, although God’s gift is free, it isn’t cheap. I have lived without most of my family for most of the 35 year experience. I have never made a lot of money or taken the time to climb the ladder. I have driven cheap cars and owned very little materially. But I did what I wanted to do–follow the God of my understanding as best I could. My reward has been Heaven on earth–the peace, love, joy, contentment, fun is amazing. And I look forward to life’s greatest adventure–giving up this bodily burden.

Some of the spiritual techniques that my help for your spiritual journey are:

(1) centering prepares us for the Presence of God;

(2) deep breathing helps us to quiet our mind because we can only think one thought at a time–when we are counting our breaths in and out, our mind is focused on one thought relieving our anxiety;

(3) meditation and prayer;

(4) mindfulness.

According to Carl McColman, who writes The Website of Unknowing, a soul friend is a friend who provides others with coaching, support and guidance as they progress along the path toward fulfilling their spiritual and mystical potential.

“Of Mystics and Activists”  by Peter J. Leithart

‘The Challenge of Understanding Mysticism” by Richard D. Engle

“Understanding Mysticism” by Matthew Bingley

Mysticism: General Information

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My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound’s the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark, and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

One of my favorite, favorite writers in the field of addiction recovery is Syd whose blog I’m Just F.I.N.E.—Recovery in AlAnon, includes this excerpt from his entry entitled, “The view from the bridge”:

“It is warm today, nearly 75 F.  It still feels like fall to me.  But I will take it over the long days of cold weather that would permeate whatever I put on in Virginia.  Yesterday at the marina was picture perfect–blue sky, light winds, warm temperatures.  I watched the boats going past looking for the body of a young woman who jumped from the bridge over the weekend. Her body has not been found.”

”She was described as her room mates as cheerful, vivacious, beautiful, athletic, and from a loving family.  Yet, for some reason, she decided to scramble over the barricade that separates the walkers and runners from the precipitous edge of the bridge and jump over 160 feet into the water below.  A passerby said that she saw the young woman standing there, and she turned to smile.  A smile of resignation?  A smile of happiness at her decision?  I don’t know, but I wonder what can be so awful at 20 years of age that makes you end your life.”

”The view from the top of that bridge is spectacular.  The harbor is before you, the church steeples in the city,  the masts of sailboats at the marina–all of it makes a breath taking panorama.  Maybe she was so caught in pain that she didn’t really see.  But somehow I hope that she did ultimately see all of it rushing by as she took that plunge.  And maybe it made her feel peaceful for a split second.”

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1.  “The Guest House” by Rumi (check out his other writings):

“This being human is a guest house, every morning, a new arrival. A joy, a depression, a meanness. Welcome and entertain them all, even is they are a crowd of sorrows who violently sweep your house empty of all its furniture. Still treat each guest honorably, they may be clearing you out for some new delight. The dark thought, the shame, the malice: meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.  Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.”

2.  From 10 Simple Solutions for Building Self-Esteem (author-Glenn Schiraldi:

“S.C. Hayes reminds us that we all carry burdens–perhaps memories, partially healed wounds, worries, self-doubts, or fears. Rather than trying to ignore, deny, or hide these, you can think of then as passengers on the bus that you are driving through life. You compassionately acknowledge that they are aboard, but you needn’t listen to every demand, take a detour, or let them drive. In this way we can move ahead purposely in life, even with these imperfections. Remember that you are driving, not being driven. Choose a pace that is comfortable. You can’t do everything, and you can’t do it all at once. But you can experience the security and satisfaction of doing what you can do.”

3.  From Ronald Alexander: “Three Steps to Creatively Transform Any Crisis, Loss or Change”:

Step One: Letting Go of the Past and Resistance

The art of creative transformation begins with the willingness to be mindful of your hidden resistance to making a change, examining it, and breaking it down so that you can sweep it away like sand on a doorstep. If unwanted change has occurred, you’re likely to become angry or upset, and struggle to regain what’s been lost. You might find yourself closing your eyes to any other avenues available to you, obsessing about the past and trying to reclaim what was once yours. This resistance blocks you from recognizing that what lies ahead for you might actually make you happier than you’ve ever been

Step Two: Learn How to Tune into Your Creative Unconscious

The second step is tuning in and listening to the wisdom of your soul or unconscious, the state in which core creativity takes place, beyond the limitations of the mind’s thought processes. Whenever you reconnect to this core, authentic self through open mind, the temporary circumstances of life stop distracting you. You’re able to trust that the creative process will produce opportunities and possibilities in due time.

Step Three: Learn How to Move Forward with  Practical Plan

Rebuilding after any great loss can be extremely difficult, but again and again, I’ve seen people use meditation and the art of creative transformation to pull themselves out of a valley of despair and even create successes they never would’ve dreamed of before their initial loss. A forward-thinking view can lead to reinvention and healing.

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9-11 Lights by tony-the-misfit

Alcoholics Anonymous has revolutionized the way alcoholics are perceived by their peers. The shame of having a problem has been made much easier by the respect given to those who change their lives by giving up an addiction.

After I came to recovery in 1976, my daughter (who was five years old at the time) told me that she had been telling the neighbors that I was an alcoholic. I was somewhat surprised because I didn’t know my neighbors very well. So I sat down and asked her to tell me what an alcoholic is. She said, ” Oh, Mommy, you know. It is someone who doesn’t drink and smiles a lot.” The only alcoholics she knew were in AA.

In the early 1980′s, the adult child/codependency recovery solutions began to appear in many reading sources. The media figures who helped launch the recovery movement were Phil Donahue and Oprah Winfrey. Betty Ford brought a high level of acceptance to the recovery field as well as a treatment center that worked.

Codependency Anonymous was started in 1986. The field of addiction was learning that the early recovery is about giving up the main addiction. What follows is another addiction; then sometimes, another, and another. After giving up alcohol, I eventually had to give up all dating,and ,eventually I quit smoking.

In the middle of all that, I learned all I could about codependency as I was starting to believe three things.

(1) That quitting drinking alcohol meant giving up all that I was addicted to because I believed that any holding on to something that enabled me to not face reality would lead me back to drinking.

(2) I would not pursue romantic relationships among recovering people. I was so grateful for AA that I was afraid to lose it.

(3) I knew that I had a predisposition to alcoholism as I had seen my father advance in his drinking career. The only time in my life that I learned from someone else’s choices was when I saw that my father’s drinking never got better.

But I was also learning that living in a home with such a major problem and no one educated about the solution certainly contributed to my addiction. For much of my childhood, I had to parent my parents. This is often the role assigned to the eldest child in troubled families.

I went to AA after Thanksgiving 1976. Two months later, I checked into a home for alcoholic women in the town I lived in–Jacksonville, Fl. The home was not attached to anything like mental health but the founder believed in Jesus Christ. We prayed on our knees morning and evening. I had a radical conversion in that home. So there I was–2 months sober, born-again, female, high-bottom, and a “lady”.

But AA was my only choice. Needless to say, I didn’t have much support there. But I kept going back and eventually I took the 13th step–giving up support groups as the only way to live. That was years later after I had clinical depression for 2 years. When I had clinical depression, I was 10 years sober–sponsoring 13 people but no one in AA said why don’t you seek professional help. I guess I looked too well. But I did notice that persons with long-time sobriety were committing suicide. I didn’t want to do that anymore than I wanted to drink.

I deeply believe that there is no recovery without a spiritual experience. Many people have a gradual awakening which can take years. During that time, s/he becomes gentler, kinder, more thoughtful, more relaxed, etc. These qualities are the fruit of the Spirit. When I see these qualities, I know that God is working in that person. In fact, the fruits of the Spirit are the only indicators of someone’s recovery that I use. Recovery is an inside job that shows on the outside of a person.