By vl8189

No one else can make anyone feel anything, everything we feel is our choice. If we are choosing to continue in relationships, jobs, or situations that contribute to our feelings of negativity, we need to ask ourselves why we aren’t choosing to be happy.

Happiness is a choice. With the choosing of happiness comes the responsibility to give up self-destructive patterns. Learn to distinguish what you like and what you don’t like.

The healing principle is that as we believe we will get better, we will get better. But choices have to be made. You can’t hold on to misery with one hand and reach for happiness with the other. As the trapeze artist lets go of one bar before she grasps the next one, so also must we give up misery for happiness.

Other methods to increase our self-esteem are:

(1) set goals from the dreams we have of what we would like to have in our lives,(2) learn to take risks in all areas of your life,and (3) develop a clear-cut precise schedule adding physical, mental, and spiritual healthy activities to our weekly life.

In developing positive self-talk, affirmations and guided imagery may be used. Remember our subconscious mind doesn’t know if something has happened already or is to happen in the future. Only the conscious mind knows time. Therefore, don’t implant wishes or doubts with words like maybe or is or I hope. Use action positive words such as I am, I enjoy, I believe, I want, etc.

Trust your subconscious to lead you to your “higher self”. Develop an attitude of being gentle with yourself.  Learn to recognize that the source of uncomfortable feelings is that we have added some degree of judgment to the future. The pain we feel is fear which is the withholding of love. The withholding hurts us as well as the person we’re “punishing”.

So all hatred is self-hatred first. It begins inside us and is projected outward. As we learn our loveability, we see the love in others. As we love ourselves, we project the love to others. As we love ourselves, we project to others. We confuse the giving of loving with the power of others.

If I love someone who chooses not to love me, have I lost anything? If I choose to not love another and feel that hatred pass through me, have I gained anything? Who is the loser when I choose not to love? We each have life issues that periodically disrupt our patterns.

Knowing our issues helps us to accept the lessons quicker by spending less time in denial of them. Some of these issues may be: accepting our feelings, labeling our feelings, control, boundaries, intimacy, commitment, conflict, trust, authority figures, etc.

Likewise, we each are a collection of selves: (1) child, (2) adolescent, (3) teenager, (4) young adult, and possibly, (5) an older adult. Periodically, we need to “step back” emotionally and observe our own behavior in order to understand the behavior choices we are making.

In learning to check in with ourselves, we come to accept that just as we may be coming from several different vantage points from within ourselves, so also are all the other persons we encounter whether they are aware of their vantage points or not.

The abyss winking back at me

Acceptance, appraisal or suppression: anxiety solutions

Affirmations about inner wisdom

Anger at things we can’t control

How to manage anger

What causes addiction?

B

Breaking open

It builds up

Are you burned out?

C

Change your life, be a mentor

Change–here’s how

Community: You deliver me

Compassion in action

Managing conflicts with email: why it’s so tempting

D

12 steps toward freedom from depression

Disease is a shape shifter

Doing good during bad

E

Increasing energy

How do I know what emotion I’m feeling?

F

Six easy steps to conquering fear and achieving bliss?

Business of forgiveness

10 reasons why I should forgive

Forgiveness with aromatherapy

But frozen things they all unfreeze

G

Getting through downturns

The God of my understanding

Grief–Welcome to my own little world

H

The social contagion of happiness

5 steps to achieving happiness (video)

4 conscious ways to really help others during any difficult situations

Paul Allen’s call for emotional health

Finding hope in the midst of depression

I

J

Stop following “the rules” of your life and bring back the joy

K

Law of attraction in action: knowing

L

5 easy healthy lifestyle tips

All you need is love

Married but oh–so lonely

M

Mastering your own mind

Meditation and the false lure of zoning out

Learn how to be a mindful leader

The power of mindsight: An interview with Dr. Daniel Siegel

A shift of mind

Money:  Rent or buy is a stickier question when you look at real lives

N

Teaching doctors the art of negotiation

O

Online mindfulness meditation for PTSD, Boulder Colorado

Organization:

Hard, fun and beautiful

P

11 quick and simple ways to spread positivity around you today

Processes

Q

Are you asking the right question?

R

The road map for life project–great discussions

S

Shamed for making mistakes

T

U

Unraveled? Here’s how to knit yourself and the world together

V

The false solace of vilification

W

Developing resilient willpower

My post-evangelical wilderness

X

Y

You are not broken. You don’t need to fixed

Z

Photo credit.

1.  “Catching Up and Cleaning Up” from Broken Brain–Brilliant Mind:

“And amazing, how much my life has changed, in the past three years or so. I’ve essentially gone from being locked away in a world of my own making and imagining, to being fully out in the outside world, participating with life on life’s terms… a whole lot more integrated into regular society, than I ever was before. Thinking back, I was seriously reality-impaired, and it showed. The 30+ years I spent inventing my own version of what life was all about — by never fully engaging with real-live people who could steer me right, and keeping my head buried in books that I was either reading or writing — did not help when it came to interacting with the outside world.”

“I would just say and do the most off-the-wall things… and never realize just how off base I was”.

“But what did I know? I was off in my own private Idaho, creating my own world and my own version of reality. Whenever I ventured out, I was met by people who would ridicule or dismiss me. What did I care about participating in their world? Indeed.”

“So, I built up this persona and this “reality” that was structured around and informed by my own partial imaginings of how life really was and how people really were. In some cases, I could be incredibly insightful, in others I could be so far off-base, people had no idea if I was in my right mind… An interesting mix, needless to say. And I filled my life — and my office — with all the stuff that reflected and supported that persona of mine.”

“Now I find myself at an interesting place, where the old stuff — while it served me at the time — is no longer entirely useful to me. In fact, in many ways, it just holds me back. But at the same time, there’s part of me that wants to hang onto it, like Linus’es security blanket from Charlie Brown. It’s like all the books and items around me from years gone by offer me a way to escape, a destination to run to, if things on the outside get to be too much. So, in that sense, I do want to hang onto the old things. Just in case.”

“This is all probably coming up, because I watched the move “Marwencol” the other night – the documentary about the guy who got beaten within an inch of his life, who went on to create his own little world — literally — out of 1/6 size action figures in a WWII setting. Nazis and spies and witches, oh my. I had intended to watch it, but I forgot to write it down, and I spaced on the time and date, so I only caught the last half of it.  But that last half was absolutely fascinating.”

“It was also a little sobering, because in a way, Mark’s story is similar to my own, though his experience was more abrupt and extreme. A band of hooligans beat him within an inch of his life, and after that, he had no memory of the attack, he had hand-eye coordination issues. To deal with it all, he turned to a world of his own that would give him safety and a way to play out his own experiences and pain, in the privacy of an environment that he could control, that he made happen.”

2. From Wounded Times: Editor and Publisher Chaplain Kathie: Chairelli Lauds Anti-Suicide PSAs:

“I tell the story often of a young Marine back from Iraq crying and apologizing for crying because he was a Marine and wasn’t supposed to cry. He did everything he needed to do no matter how much pain he was in. He didn’t allow himself to feel it until he was back home and no one else was in danger, except him. He wanted to live.”

“The other night I got a phone call from a National Guards Mom I hadn’t heard from in a couple of years. Her son had tired to commit suicide twice by the time she contacted me. She didn’t know what to do any more than she understood what was going on. He was totally lost. He carried the pain of something he had to do, started to think he was evil because all he focused on was what happened, forgetting what came before the end of this event. He needed to see himself through different eyes. Anyway, fast forward to two year later, he got married again, is back in treatment, went back to church and is healing. He’s closer to his Mom than ever before because she was willing to do whatever it took to help him. She wanted to understand and it saved his life.”

“We need to stop making excuses to not care, not want to know, because we lose 18 veterans a day to suicide and we’re still losing them to suicide while on active duty. We can’t save them all but they are worth fighting for and doing whatever we can to save them. After all, the fact they were willing to die for us shouldn’t mean we should let them.”

“You don’t have to know what it was like for them to be a soldier. You just need to understand what it is like for them to be human.”

3. From Marcella Zimmerman writing “Learning How to Understand Each Other” published in Family of a Vet:

“I noticed about a month after my husband returned home from Iraq, in February 2004,that something wasn’t right. He refused to go to sleep at night, and then would end up sleeping all of the following day. He was extremely aggressive and would go off on these rages that I had never seen before. One day he went on a rampage and pulled out the drawers to our dresser, smashing it and chipping the hard wood floors. At this point, I took our three year old son and had a friend pick us up.  I was shaking and crying pretty hard as I called his 1SGT to tell him that I thought my husband had a serious problem. His response to me and our situation was that he hadn’t noticed anything different about his behavior at the motor pool and that maybe I needed to back off.”

“When my husband didn’t come home early from work about three months later, I started to worry, though I was also getting use to him arriving later than usual. At first, I didn’t think to much on it when I heard his key turn in the door. Then when I saw his face and the look on it, I knew something wasn’t right. He told me that he had to go away from awhile to a locked down mental health facility in the next town. He was driving and had seen the post hospital blow up. He stopped the car in the middle of the road and started doing ID checks. An officer from another unit called the MP’s and from then on things just got worse. Trying to regulate the medication he was on was terrible. He’d sleep all the time and when he was awake, he was like a walking zombie. his temper only got worse and finally he was medically discharged from the military. Now, he is on 100% disability for PTSD and TBI. At one point he turned to substance abuse to self medicate. I developed secondary PTSD and would even have anxiety attacks. If there were too many people in line at the grocery store, I would leave my cart to the side and just go home. There were days I was too nervous to even leave my house. I began checking all the locks in the house several times throughout the night just to make sure my house was completely locked up. If I ran into someone I knew while out running errands, I would get nervous and make any excuse I could just to leave. If anything unexpected would happen, it would upset me. I developed insomnia, nightmares, and an ulcer.I filed for divorce on two separate occasions. We have been to hell and back and everything in between. So many hardships that I could probably write a novel.”

“Now he is active in ACVOW and volunteers at the local VA. He still has his nightmares and crowds will still make him nervous. He doesn’t like to talk about his experiences, so I have learned to stop asking. It took me six years to learn how to navigate through his troubles and through it all, we have become a much closer family. There isn’t too much that can shake us now days. It’s a process to go through and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. But, he is active in pursuing all the outlets that help and he is taking classes to help counsel his peers with PTSD. It is our dream to one day open our own center for soldiers and their families suffering from PTSD. I have learned to be more understanding, but I have also learned not to allow the fact that he has PTSD take control of the way the family will be. In return, he has learned that while he does have PTSD, it is no excuse to fly off the handle and act any way he wants when he is mad. While we have come a long ways. we still have miles to go. I just wish there had been more support when all of this first started. At that point, I had no one and I was 22, without a clue on how to handle any of it.”

Photo credit.

By AngelsWings

“Because of the pervasive nature of the problem, our whole culture can be called codependent.  When one looks at the problem from a cultural perspective, it becomes obvious that major institutions in our society support codependent behavior. The social structure we have created may be actually dependent upon this behavior continuing.  Throughout modern history, most societies have been structured so that some groups are ranked above others, such as men over women and management over labor. With one group more powerful and in control of the resources, codependent relationships can be easily created and maintained. If people begin to change their codependent patterns, it will bring changes to the larger social structure.”     Barry and Janae Weinhold

1. From If You Want Kin, You Must Plant Kin: “I Won’t date…don’t ask me:

I met Tarik back in May when I was out dancing with some friends.  We danced, we tried to talk but the music was too loud, we exchanged numbers, I went home.

And then he called.  And then he called again.  And then he texted.  And then he asked me out.  And instead of my first thought being, “Oh, isn’t that nice? Tarik wants to get together,” my first thought was, “Oh Lord, a date?”

You’re right: that reaction didn’t bode well for Tarik.  I seem to have gotten to a place where I’m not all that interested in dating.  I’ll slog through a relationship, but I’ve lost the patience for the pre-game show.  I’ve done a fair amount of dating, but I don’t think I ever really learned how to do it.  I think you’re supposed to learn about it in high school, and I missed that class.

I’ve said goodbye to Tarik, but I’ve decided to “get back out there” in something that might vaguely resemble an active way … and this is going to mean going on dates.

What’s the problem with dating?  I like going out for coffee, out for dinner, out to the movies.  I like visiting museums and walking in the park.  I even like going to ball games … you know, sort of.  So what is it that I don’t like?  I think it’s the part where I have some guy there with me who I don’t know well and who expects me to make charming, sparkling conversation and show some level of interest in and attraction to him.

Yeah, that would be it.

2.  From Jessica Radloff’s survey: “What Guys Want you to Know (Part 1)”:

Q: What do you wish all women knew about guys?

“Not all guys only care about sleeping with you. But all guys will sleep with you immediately if given the chance. Fact.”
-Aaron K., 31, Los Angeles, Author & Comedian, single

“We are problem solvers. Do not tell us about a problem unless you want us to try and fix it.”
-Bob M., 31, Chicago, Attorney, in-a-relationship

“If we appear to be too good to be true, we usually are. We are more sensitive than you. We harbor more feelings than you care to know.”
-Buck W., 31, Detroit, Social Media Director/On Air CBS Radio, married

“What you call objectifying, we call admiring a superior physical form.”
-Matthew H., 32, Seattle, Senior Magazine Editor–Seattle Metropolitan Magazine, married and father of one

“Believe it or not, there are actually ‘good guys’ out there and we do not finish last. Go for your ‘bad boy’ type and see how that ends up for you. You know how it is going to end up but you still jump into the deep end of the pool because you think you can change him. Nine times out of 10 you are going to be banging your head against the wall. Avoid the pain and heartache and go for a guy that will treat a woman the way she deserves to be treated.”
-Michael M., 37, Los Angeles, Actor, married

“We are not as good as you (when it comes to) communicating and we do it differently than you. We know it can be frustrating, but you need to be patient with us and eventually we will open up and tell you what you want to know.”
-Tony B., 40, St. Louis, Financial Services, engaged

“We really are always thinking about it. Always.”
-Jason M., 29, St. Louis, Marketing, in-a-relationship

3.  From Jane Bolton’s Your Zesty Self: “Dating Anxieties: Facing the Unknown”:

“What can be done about the anxiety of receiving now?”

1. “Name the feelings. A big part of dealing with the fear that a desired person or relationship is “too good to be true” is just recognizing, and naming the anxieties, fears, worries, and doubts. The mere naming our feelings helps contain them.”

2. “Learn what thoughts and expectations you fill the space of the unknown with. Another step is to recognize that since dating is an exercise of dealing with the unknown, it is useful to come to know your patterns of dealing with the unknown.”

“Many people just project their fears into to the future, which by definition in unknown. So when you come across a situation in which you “don’t know” what will be there later, notice what you habitually fill in that space with. Are you filling that space of the with worry, doubt, and fear? That’s pretty common. But you don’t have to keep doing that.”

2. “Recognize that in fact you “really don’t know” the future. Another simple but profound way to practice quieting your anxiety is to add “but I really I don’t know” to every prediction of the future. Follow the thought “I can’t manage this,” “I need…,” or “I am…” with “but I really don’t know.” The phrase “But I really don’t know” challenges the seeming truth of everything we think. That phrase is another way of beginning to challenge the negative beliefs behind the anxiety.”

“Repeating the words “but I really don’t know” allows us to question tightly-held ideas. Done thoroughly, “but I really don’t know” can pull the rug out from under our most cherished limiting beliefs. All too often we don’t question our beliefs. And, since virtually every train of thought has some implicit belief, when we question our thoughts, we question these beliefs. This is similar to the lessons in the Course In Miracles “My thoughts don’t mean anything” and “I have given the meaning to everything I see”.

“We don’t receive wisdom, we must discover it for our­selves after a journey that no one can take for us or spare us.” Marcel Proust

1.  Using a trip to entertain with passive-aggressive tendencies from Dooce.com: “Todays is Tyrant’s birthday and here is my ode”:

“I’d never driven a car like that before, and I hate to admit it, but that was one hell of a ride and pretty much perfect for the way I drive: aggressive and unforgiving. I resent speed limits. I hold grudges for days against people who drive slowly in the lane leading up to an exit and then don’t even exit. I want to follow them home and leave a note on their windshield that says YOU ARE RUINING PEOPLE’S LIVES.”

“Why are you looking at me as if I’m passive-aggressive? I’m a former Mormon. It’s called Righteous Indignation.”

“I also cannot be in the passenger seat of a car when someone is driving much too cautiously, which pretty much means Tyrant is not ever allowed to drive me anywhere ever again. You would think that someone with the name Tyrant would be all over getting to his destination with vigor and purpose! But he is the exact opposite and cannot even bring himself to change lanes. Ever. OH! And he’s the type of driver who starts to slow down about a hundred yards from a stop sign. I’m breaking out in a rash just remembering this.”

2.  From Signe Whitson’s Passive-Aggressive Diaries: Filing Out School Forms: The Oldest Husband Vs. Wife Passive Aggressive Trick in the Book:

“It’s season premiere week for the TV networks and what makes for better, more hilariously relatable comedy than passive aggression between spouses? Check out this clip from ABC’s The Middle as Frankie guilts Mike into filling out school forms, when all he really wants to do is go to sleep. Instead of getting mad or refusing to help, Mike uses the oldest passive aggressive trick in the book–Intentional Inefficiency–to get out of the chore.”

“http://www.hulu.com/watch/180216/the-middle-the-school-forms“

3. Great app discovery from Jolie O’Dell: “Sneaky New App Avoids Awkward Chats, Sends You Straight to Voicemail”

“Name: slydial“

“Quick Pitch: slydial is a free voice messaging service which connects you directly to someone’s mobile voicemail.”

“Genius Idea: If you’ve ever dreaded making a phone call and anxiously wished for a voicemail greeting as you dialed, you know exactly why this app is a genius idea. It strips away the awkwardness of a voice-to-voice call while still letting you claim to have attempted direct communication.”

“How perfectly passive-aggressive! We can imagine this app going over well for:”

• Breakups,
• Firings,
• The-morning-after apologies,
• Stalling on or avoiding a meetup,
• Making excuses to a boss,
• “Duty” calls to chatty friends and relatives,
• “Just touching base” reminder/nagging calls,
• 3 a.m. calls that don’t need to be wake-up calls, as well,
• And ever so much more.

“Essentially, the app “creates the illusion of communication” without making you actually have to listen to other people, play politics or hear someone else’s side of an argument. In theory, it works just as well for the incurable narcissist as for the cripplingly antisocial.”

“Before you protest, it’s true that slydial isn’t the Gandhi of applications. But it plays into a powerful part of the human psyche: Our desire to avoid conflict. The makers of slydial have paved the path of least resistance beautifully, and we can imagine that quite a few people will be traipsing down that path in the months to come.”