Author Archives: kberman
I changed the title of this blog 2 years ago to include “Friends & Lovers” because I knew I was avoiding the hardest part of being in recovery–learning how to be sober with another person in recovery. I have lived alone since June 2009. My recovery date is 11/24/1976 so it is OK for me to include dating into my life. I started looking 3 years ago by checking out some of the online dating sites.
A major problem for me was I couldn’t seem to be able to identify others in recovery who were interested in dating. most applicants when asked about alcohol reported that they drank a little. Not very clear to me what that meant.
So I decided to create a forum for twelve step dating. A forum is a place to meet people and share ideas. I will also have a chat room there if you are interested. Part of the forum will be free for all. And, because I have to pay for all the software programs I use for the forum, part will be available only to those who pay $25.00 entry fee. The fee will be a one time charge.
Let me know if you are interested.
One of my favorite food blogs, Sprouted Kitchen, won a Saveur 4th Annual Best Food Blog for 2013. They moved to a new palce and published a super green salad for those times when we are too rushed to cook. So today’s post will be about salads.
1. From Sprouted Kitchen: : “Power Green Salad”:
POWER GREEN SALAD // Serves 4
Inspired by An Edible Mosaic
This salad is pretty crunchy. I’m still eating from the bowl on day three and don’t find it soggy at all. That said, it would be great for a plane ride or delivering to a new mom/sick friend etc. It’s a sturdy one. I added parmesan because it holds up, but feta or goat cheese will work here too. It’s pretty simple, change as you wish.
- 3 cups ribbed and chopped kale
- handful of chopped parsley
- 1 cup cooked black lentils
- 1 green apple, diced
- half an english cucumber, diced
- 1/2 cup toasted pepitas
- 1 cup shaved parmesan
- one clove garlic
- 1 Tbsp. honey
- 1 Tbsp. dijon
- juice of one lemon
- 1/3 cup pumpkin seed oil or extra virgin olive oil
- salt and pepper
2. From bakingbites: “Waldorf Salad“:
This salad is best when it is prepared shortly before serving. You can, however, chop up your apples and celery and hold them in acidulated water for an hour or two in order to get your prep work out of the way in advance. I like to use Fuji or Braeburn apples, but since the apples in this salad are uncooked, you can use any type of apple that you have on hand or that you generally enjoy eating.
1 cup finely diced apples
1 cup finely diced celery
1/2 cup raisins
1/2 cup finely chopped walnuts
1/4 cup mayonnaise
2 tbsp greek yogurt
2 tbsp lemon juice
salt, to taste
pepper, to taste
Combine apples, celery, raisins and walnuts in a large bowl.
In a small bowl, whisk together mayonnaise, yogurt and lemon juice. Add to apple mixture and toss to coat evenly. Season with salt and pepper, to taste. Serve immediately.
3. From joythebaker: ”It’s Not Summer Yet Greek Pasta Salad“:
It’s Not Summer Yet Greek Pasta Salad
adapted from Ina Garten and the rest of the internet
For the Dressing:
1/3 cup olive oil
3 tablespoons fresh lemon juice
1 tablespoon minced shallots
2 teaspoons Dijon mustard
2 teaspoons honey
sea salt and fresh cracked black pepper to taste
For the Pasta Salad:
5 cups cooked orzo pasta
2 cups de-seeded and coarsely chopped English Cucumbers
2 cups halved cherry tomatoes
1 heaping cup crumbled feta cheese
1/2 cup thinly sliced purple onion
1/3 cup chopped fresh basil
sea salt and fresh cracked black pepper to taste
I like to make my salad dressings in a mason jar with a tight-fitting lid. If you don’t have a jar, you can also vigorously whisk the mixture in a large bowl.
In a medium mason jar combine olive oil, lemon juice, shallots, mustard, honey, and a pinch of salt a fresh cracked black pepper. Secure the lid tightly and shake vigorously until emulsified. Taste and season with more lemon, honey, salt, or pepper as necessary. Set aside.
In a large bowl toss together orzo pasta, cucumber, tomatoes, feta cheese, onion, and fresh basil. Season lightly with salt and pepper. Just before serving, drizzle in the dressing. Taste and season accordingly. Serve immediately.
Tough love has many interpretations. I am going to repost the best posts I’ve found about this topic on Tuesdays. Many times I include 2-3 posts about the same topics but this topic is the main theme for helping others so I will repost one entire post here.
From one of my favorite blogs written by the parents of an addict: An Addict in Our Son’s Bedroom- “??? Detaching With Love???”:
I have received many comments and personal e-mails asking me to explain exactly what or how do you detach with love. The other day I was again ask for an example of exactly how do you detach with love and I answered with a typically philosophical answer. That evening it bothered me because here I was answering the question again and I am not being clear to what people are asking. It finally stuck me to use the KISS it methodology. (KISS, keep it simple, stupid)
So I wrote about when detaching, enabling, boundaries, values, rescuing and a whole bunch of other things began to click with my wife and I. Below is how one step by step transformation occurredfor us and our son.
My son shoplifted to support his addiction. Needless to say he got caught several times. The first few times when he was a minor we’d get a call to come pick him up and he’d get a ticket and we’d pay a big fine and take him to court services for his probation and take him to a psychologist. This went on for a couple years.
When he turned 18 he was no longer a minor and with his record they’d take him to jail. He’d make that phone call from jail, “Please come and bail me out. I’m never going to do this again.” Off we’d go. After a while this was getting expensive and no one was learning their lesson. I mean, Darlene and I were not learning our lesson. and by the way neither was our son. We were doing the same thing over and over, and our son was doing the same thing over and over, nothing was changing. He’d make the same promises, we’d take the same action and we couldn’t understand why HE kept using!
This is where the idea of detaching and setting boundaries started with us. We are no longer going to pay bail. As a mom and dad it is very hard to think of your child sitting in jail. In Jackson County, MO jail he witnessed a person get stabbed. The food is universally bad at all jails, without money on your books you can’t even get a toothbrush to brush your teeth, he had food stolen and had to fight at times for his food, spent 2 days in solitary for defending himself against another inmate that attacked him. Some jails they put the crazies in with the criminals like rapists and murderers, in with the drug addicts, makes no sense to me.
It’s hard to think of yourself as being a loving parent when you know that for just a few hundred dollars we could get him out of those situations, but if you don’t pay the bail are you really a loving parent? Finally the day comes when you don’t pay the bail money. Once we let him sit in the Johnson County Resort for 11 days because we wouldn’t post a $50 bond. Sounds mean doesn’t it?
This is about detaching with love and not enabling.Your boundaries must match your values. It works for us this way. Overriding all is the value that we love our son. When you sit down to think about and discuss boundaries this goes at the top of the page. Every single boundary is tested against that value.
Another value we hold close and taught our kids, Stealing is wrong. Stealing carries consequences and it should. Bailing him out removes or minimizes the consequences. Contrary to our values we were bailing him out. But we hated what he was exposed to in jail. However, we had established a pattern, he got caught, he called, we jumped with cash in hand. It’s not fair to change the rules without telling all the parties.
So Darlene and I sat down a determined where we would go and where we would no longer go. This began to establish our boundaries. You will never cover all of the situations, you just cover what you can and know that once you learn how to judge behaviors and rescuing against what it is you believe inside the exercise becomes easier and more natural.
Then you must sit down with your child, an addict that may or may not be high at the time and explain where you will no longer go with him. In fact you can even start each sentence with, “Because we love you……….. we can no longer bail you out of jail. All your life we taught you that stealing was wrong and you know that in your heart so we cannot support your actions by bailing you out of jail when you do something you have been taught all your life is wrong. I hope you understand this and can accept our decision.”
Each boundary that we had discussed the conversation went like that. Our son hated it when we turned off the TV and ask him to sit down at the table to talk. This satisfied our need to tell him our expectations and it told him what to expect from us. Yes, he still called begged, pleaded and cried from jail but what we had been doing in the past didn’t work and was bad for us and him. We had to change the rules, but that didn’t mean we loved him less. It meant we loved him more because it hurt us terribly to let him sit in jail.
Even with his begging and pleading we were still able to sleep at night and have a moment of down time. He was in jail and we knew jail was safer than being on the street shooting more heroin. We then began to see jail as “protective custody.”
We detached from Alex’s crimes and actions, we did not detach from him. We still loved him, took some of the $10 for 10 minute collect calls from jail. On those calls we always ended with that we loved him and please help yourself. We were doing all we could and all we knew to do. Detach from the actions, crimes, drug use, lying and every other terrible thing a drug addict does to himself and others. Love and support the person inside not the addiction controlling the life.
Does this help explain what detaching with love and how it works for us? Then you begin applying the same formula to all other areas in your relationship with your addicted loved one.