Codependency is the Breeding Ground For Addiction
Because I believe that codependency is the breeding ground for addiction, I would like for everyone interested in helping addicts to be aware of the characteristics of children growing up in families with addiction. I also believe that that applies to most of us. Understanding that addiction can be about money, power (which is what codependency is about), religion, sex, etc. as well as substance abuse (food, legal drugs, illegal drugs, alcohol, etc.) shows how wide-spread addiction is..
Anyone who has worked in a workplace with a “good daddy/mommy” or a “bad daddy/mommy” knows this experience also. I have trouble with rage addicts because I grew up with a father addicted to rage–he was a rageaholic. So I have to keep a close check on my codependency around them as I have a basic desire to kick them in the behind–in a ladylike way, of course. But judgment hurts me as well as the other so I try to remember to pray for tolerance when in the company of someone who wants to control me with his/her anger.
The following sites have good references to the ACOA characteristics. Don’t be surprised if you identify with a few of them.
(1) Codependents Anonymous is the coda site. This site includes a great list of characteristics centering around denial (“perceive myself as being completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of others”), low self esteem pattern (“I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires”), compliance (“I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long) and control (“I have to be “needed” in order to have a relationship with others.
(2) Mental Health Issues includes this:” There are identifiable core issues that ACOA’s experience. Control is one such issue. The fear of loss of control is a dominant theme in their lives. Control dominates the interactions of an ACOA with themselves as well as the people in their lives. Fear of loss of control, whether it be over one’s emotions, thoughts, feelings, will, actions, or relationships is pervasive. ACOA’s rely upon defenses mechanisms such as denial, suppression in order to control their internal world of thoughts and feelings as well as the outward manifestation of those thoughts, feelings, and behaviors”.
(3) The Dr. Janet Woititz site has resources including a video for ACOA. The site refers visitors to AA Family Meetings. The 13 characteristics are listed on Dr. Jan’s site.
A current blog post about why some ACOA’s thrive in the addiction and the characteristics they learned from being in the addiction. Great article and I recognized why creativity has been my salvation.
Codependency is About Not Having a Loving Relationship With Yourself
I generally write about want I most want to learn, so I guess it is time to allow my own codependency to be healed. I am a co-creator with God in my life. He does the healing, but I have to allow it to happen. Actually this time, I am thrilled that I can finally lay down my weapons of self-destruction.
The following excerpts are from the blogs I read in my Google Reader (the world’s best RSS reader).
1. On My Mind (Christine Stapleton): “Depression, Codependency and My Cape”:
“I am codependent. I do not know where I stop and you begin. Your problems are mine. I will rescue you. I will say “Yes” when I really want to say “No.” I will carry ALL your baggage. I will ping-pong between being a martyr and a field marshall. I will get so caught up in you that I forget about me. I am enmeshed. I have no identity without you and your problems.”
“This is my codependency. It is the fuel for my depression and alcoholism. I believe it will kill me before my depression and/or alcoholism. I resent you for getting yourself into these jams. I resent myself for getting myself worked up about you getting yourself into your jams.”
“If you are an alcoholic, like me, codependency is like a bad, itchy rash on your trigger finger. It gives you a reason to drink for someone, at someone and to someone – even yourself.”
“My codependency is so crippling that I went to treatment for it after my last major depression. It helped and I am better. At least now I recognize when I am in the throes of a codependent crisis – which actually kind of makes it more frustrating because I still don’t know what to do.”
2. I’m Just F.I.N.E.-Recovery in Al-Anon: “Distorted thinking”:
“I think that co-dependency is something that starts at a very young age. It probably starts with repression of feelings in which a child has to “walk on egg shells” around a dysfunctional family member. For me, that was my dad. My mother covered up and denied there was anything wrong. So there was really not much honesty in feelings or trust within the family. Everything seemed to be “swept under the rug.”
“Consequently, the stress mounts and the child learns to be anxious. And along with the stress and anxiety, some unhealthy ways of survival are learned. One of those ways to survive is to deny one’s own feelings. So instead of basing self-worth on my own feelings and actions, I began to base my self-worth on the opinions, needs, and moods of the person I wanted to please. In my case, it was my father.”
3. A Room of Mama’s Own: “What is Codependence?”
“But codependence (or codependency) is harder to define and to recognize. After all, codependents can seem, to themselves and others, like hapless victims, in the wrong place at the wrong time. Or they can be perceived (especially by the codependent) as doing good work rather than harm, because the harm they are doing is largely to themselves. But if addiction is an unhealthy attempt to escape trauma, codependence is an unhealthy attempt at damage control.’
“At its heart, codependence is a distorted way of seeing oneself and one’s relationship to the world, which results in unhealthy (sometimes self-destructive) behaviors in relation to other people. Codependence is viewing the world in a fun house mirror and reacting as if you had a huge head and the people around you had huge asses, or vice versa. Codependents want to put the world right, but can’t because they are reacting to a distortion.”
“Generally, codependent beliefs and responses are the result of growing up in a dysfunctional family where at least one member had a (usually unacknowledged, active and untreated) addiction or mental illness. Neglect, abandonment or verbal, emotional, physical or sexual abuse may have been present as well. This background skews the codependent’s sense of “normal.”
“Codependence can span a wide variety of behaviors: from highly controlling and demanding of others to overly compliant and lacking in assertiveness, from extremely self-reliant to extremely needy, from distrustful and fearful of intimacy to naive and overly trusting, and sometimes a mixture of all of the above. Someone who is codependent may seem like “the nicest, most easygoing person ever” or “the biggest control freak ever.” (Personally, I’m a little bit of both.)”
